Hey! Look! More exciting news in the world of bikes oh dear god make it stop please just shoot me now:
No need to tease the bike, Salsa. I’ll just tease it myself by singing, “Nyah nyah nyah-nyah-nyah, you’re ugly and you’re a mountain bike!”
By the outline, there are a few things we know for sure: it’s a full suspension bike, and it has dropbars and a dropper post. The tires appear to be of MTB size, but with how big gravel tires are getting these days, it could easily fall into the aggressive gravel or ATB category. Knowing Salsa, there’s a good chance this bike will work well for bikepacking and adventure riding – what appears to be frame bag mounts inside the front triangle, and under the top tube seem to support that theory. Update: We now know based on the landing page for the new bike on Salsa’s website, that this is indeed a full suspension gravel bike!
I mean really, it’s enough already. If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then THIS IS JUST ANOTHER GODDAMN MOUNTAIN BIKE.
Nevertheless, I visited the landing page and then threw my computer across the bathroom (yes, I was on the toilet, so what?) :
I don’t know what it is, I don’t care what it is, and Salsa’s claim that they “defined the modern day gravel bike” may or may not be true, but if it is then they should be ashamed of themselves. It seems like only yesterday when Salsa (Surly’s more civilized cousin) used to offer bikes like this…
And this…
And even this:
That last one is called a “cyclocross bike,” and it’s what you rode on what they now call “gravel” when you weren’t sure if your road bike would cut it.
But yes, there was a time you could browse photos from the North American Handmade Bike Show and not feel that bad about how you’d never be able to afford that custom steel bike because you could rest assured Salsa would produce an inexpensive knockoff shortly thereafer.
Now Salsa is just this:
Look, I get it. I’m old and cranky. This is what the people want now. But why? Who the hell would want to wake up to this?
[“Ugh, how drunk was I last night?”]
Because it has disc brakes that howl like a forlorn dingo at the slightest hint of moisture? Because it might have marginally more tire clearance than that classy Casseroll? (Say “classy Casseroll” 10 times fast.) What is wrong with humanity as a species that by 2010 the concept of the sporting bicycle was so dialed in that even a brand owned by a bike parts distributor could crank out a really nice road bike this nice…
…but a mere 15 years later we tore it all up and came up with this instead?
It’s just sad.
Not that my own bikes exhibit much in the way of refinement, mind you:
Indeed, depending on your own sensibilities, you may currently be experiencing the dry heaves. But what can I say? This bike is my own personal act of rebellion–against colors that match and overall aesthetic cohesion, sure, but also against suspension and disc brakes and “redefining what’s possible” and tire clearance for tire clearance’s sake and bloated, swollen bikes that look like they’re having a severe allergic reaction and need to be jabbed with an EpiPen.
The world may be passing me by, and that’s fine, but that’s not going to stop me from shaking my fist at it as I stand there in a cloud of dust.