It’s 4/20, a.k.a. “Earth Day for Frat Bros,” which means that the Five Boro Bike Tour is mere days away:
Eleven of them to be precise…if you don’t count today. Or you count the day of the Tour. Fuck it, I dunno, it’s on May 1st, okay?
And no, I don’t observe 4/20, my slow-wittedness notwithstanding.
As I mentioned at one time or another (I’m too lazy to figure out where), I’ll be riding the Tour this year since my son wants to do it. Also, as I may or may not have mentioned (I’m too lazy to figure out if I have or not), I am going to ABSOLUTELY DESTROY the Tour in the memory of Lawrence Orbach (deceased), the greatest fictional non-competitive group ride champion the world has ever seen. To that end, not only have I been curating the appropriate wardrobe:
But today I received the bike on which I will stamp my authority upon the race ride:
There’s a poignant backstory to this which I will share closer to the start date. In the meantime, it’s worth noting that the so-called “Delta” brake looks less like its Greek letter namesake and more like an “A,” or even an upside-down “V.” Meanwhile, we call these things V-brakes for some reason:
Yet any semi-literate person can clearly see they look much more like the letter “H.” Maybe a “W” if you squint.
No wonder nobody respects bicyclists.
Whatever you call them, in order to apply the A-brakes I’ll need plenty of grip, so I’ll be swaddling my hands in goatskin:
It’s also reassuring to know that if I get hungry I could probably eat them:
They certainly sound both tastier and healthier than most Fred fuels:
In a sane world you’d be putting those gloves in your mouth and those energy blocks on your hands–or just waxing your car with them:
Speaking of cars, as I mentioned, my son is test-piloting a Woom NOW youth-sized cargo bike:
At least one reader noted this could also be a good option for shorter adults. Maybe so. At $849 it seems reasonably priced (I’m too lazy to do real research, but five seconds of popular search engine jockeying reveals it’s $350 less than a Yuba Kombi), thus making it a clever work-around, like ordering from the kid’s menu at a chain restaurant. (The kids’ portion at a chain restaurant is generally adult-sized, and the adult-size portion is generally elephant-sized.)
Anyway, in a delightful bit of irony, today my son took the bike on its maiden voyage…so he could go to the Auto Show:
Granted, he’s not riding all the way to the Auto Show, so he doesn’t get full irony points, but he did ride it to his friend’s house, from whence they will ultimately head to the Auto Show, so that’s something.
So does subjecting my children to the brainwashing of the Automotive Industrial Complex make me a bad parent? No, feeding them Burger King for breakfast makes me a bad parent. As for car shows, kids should be free to gawk at stuff that’s cool and fast–it’s just harmless entertainment, like watching Marvel movies or playing with matches. Anyway, there’s a “Micro Mobility” display this year, which I have no doubt will be highly edifying and way more interesting than the muscle cars and 4x4s:
Just look at this who’s-who of exhibitors, a list that will literally have you asking, “Who are these companies?”:
Apart from Radio Flyer, of course, a storied brand whose product offerings are a depressing tour of the American ID:
Actually, that’s not fair, this looks pretty cool:
A freewheel though…?
Huh.
Then, after checking out the micromobility and trying to ride an e-scooter one-handed while carrying a briefcase, you can announce, “Fuck it, I’m testing a Hyundai:”
Thanks to the EV charger pilot program the city is running near my home I’ve had my own personal auto show over the past few months and have been able to check out the latest models:
I’ve also glimpsed a future in which streamlined, featureless suppositories sit moored to the curb as far as the eye can see:
Suddenly gas stations don’t seem all that bad.