What’s So Bad About Feeling Belittled?

It’s important to remember how insignificant you are, which is why I:

A) Live in New York

II) Ride a bicycle

New York obviously reinforces your insignificance at all times whether you’re on or off the bike, but when you’re riding you really get to feel like a flea on a cartoon dog:

Though thanks to our outsized ability to complain we cyclists have an impact wholly disproportionate to our diminutive size:

It’s not just the sheer scare of the built environment that makes you feel tiny, either. There’s also the roiling currents of both water and time:

While some find insignificance oddly comforting, others rail against it in an effort to be noticed. What else is graffiti other than a tantrum thrown with paints in the midst of an indifferent world?

Deep within each of us lies a passionately held conviction we long to share with the rest of the world, and in this artist’s case it was “Shut Cha Pussy Clot Bitch:”

This profound sentiment will now trundle across the continental United States at approximately 3mph.

Of course, this being a freight train, there’s really no way of knowing where the paint was applied in the first place. It could have been done here in New York, or it could have been done in Arizona, which I’m assuming is the case with this “SLUT0666” vanity plate:

The legend at the bottom of the plate says, “Vice In Place Of God:”

Does this reflect the artist’s own beliefs? Or is this an indictment of all those who choose to fill the voids in their soul with drugs, gambling, carnality, sugared cereals, etc. instead of seeking spiritual fulfillment from a higher truth?

“Shut cha pussy clot, bitch,” a disembodied voice whispered in my ear as I contemplated this, and I took it as a sign that when you’re standing around on a Tuesday morning trying to make sense of freight train graffiti it’s probably time to get your head out of your ass and find something productive to do. Or, failing that, put more words into your blog.

Speaking of adornments upon the urban landscape, while in Manhattan recently I spotted this vintage Cannondale, notable not only for its attractive color and lack of a front derailleur, but also for the fact that it is making its way into traffic:

Hopefully the owner makes it back from the gym before it is destroyed by an Uber:

I also happened upon this titanium Serotta complete with couplers in the frame:

By simply undoing the couplings I could have easily made off with the bike, instantly doubling my vintage titanium road bike holdings. It is a testament to my integrity that I did not.

Finally, the other day I offhandedly mentioned I wanted a Chevy Spark. Well, I rented a car over the weekend for reasons I won’t bore you with, and look what I happened to wind up with!

Shorter than my Platypus and almost as easy to park, it was in fact everything I hoped it would be and more–basically a Mini Cooper for people who are actually secure with themselves. Looks like you can even get one with a manual transmission and hand-cranked windows for maximum automotive smugness points. If everyone in New York drove one of these instead of their “normal”-sized cars you’d instantly cut traffic in half by virtue of the sheer reduction in automotive square footage alone…though of course if my own impulses are any indication, instead of trading your giant car for this you’d just want to get one of these in addition to the car you already own, thereby increasing traffic volume by 50%.

Things would be really simple if that pesky human nature didn’t always get in the way.

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