Good morning!

*Checks watch, it’s like 3:30pm*


Today I did what is probably the most normcore ride in the New York City area, which is ride a plastic road bike over the George Washington Bridge and up and down the undulating stretch known as “River Road:”

I’ve been riding this particular bicycle quite a bit lately since it’s been very hot and this is my Dedicated Sweat Bike. When I ride this bike I also use my On-Board You-Suckometer, and today I doubled down on dorkitude by firing up the Strava app on my Wanker Watch as well:

So why am I monitoring my profound suckitude on two (2) devices? Well, I always use the Strava Beacon feature, just in case I bust out in hives or something and my wife needs to come rescue me again. As far as I know, you can’t use Strava Beacon with the Bolt, though apparently they do have their own Live Track feature–which I have not yet figured out how to use. So instead I’ve just been tracking the ride with two devices at once.

(And if you’re wondering why I don’t just stick to the Wanker Watch, I like having that big display in front of me–even though I still reflexively check my watch for the time despite the fact that the exact hour is just staring me in the face.)

Anyway, using both devices contemporaneously has revealed that my Wanker Watch always records my ride as being slightly longer than my ride as measured by my On-Board You-Suckometer. I suspect this is because the auto-pause feature is quite aggressive on the latter instrument–so much so that it will even auto-pause while I’m riding, which is less an indictment of its accuracy and more a function of how profoundly slow I am. Then again, I’m not sure those accidental auto-pauses themselves would account for a one-mile difference over the course of a 2.5-hour ride. I guess all GPSes are just a little different–or maybe I just move my arm a lot. (All that waving at cyclists and flipping off drivers sure does add up!)

Speaking of drivers, a reader recently forwarded me the following news story:

Basically, a driver comes uncomfortably close to a group of cyclists:

The cyclists then confront the driver, who brandishes a gun:

Hey sir, you know how close you came to us?” one of the cyclists says.

“You almost hit me,” another one adds.

“How?” the driver asks.

“Just be careful,” one cyclist responds.

“No, I’m not being careful. Stay the f*** off the road,” the driver responds.

Video shows the man holding a gun in his hand and moving it toward his pocket as he accuses the cyclists of taking up too much of the road.

Well, okay, it’s not clear from the video whether he’s brandishing it or simply trying to return it to the pocket of his straining khakis:

Those trousers are pretty tight, so maybe he takes it out while he’s driving so he doesn’t blow off his “pants yabbies.”

Either way, a disturbing number of people out there are looking for an excuse to sideswipe a cyclist (or worse), which is why it’s important to remember where you stand (metaphorically speaking) when you’re on a bike:

“I just wanted to say to the guy, ‘Hey, listen man, next time you’re going to hit someone, you’re going to go to jail just because you don’t want to go two feet over,’” Broglia said.

If Florida’s anything like New York there’s no chance of that:

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