Today is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, so consider this a non-post in observation of and deference to this holy occasion.
[The Shofar can be slippery, so consider giving it the Rivendell treatment by wrapping yours in Newbaum’s.]
Unfortunately, being just an all-around exemplary person, I have little to nothing for which to atone. The bicycle industry and the “cycling community” (blech) at large is a whole other story. So here’s an incomplete list of their sins, transgressions, and shortcomings, and I trust they will spend the day in solemn reflection and groveling for forgiveness for the following at the very least:
Jerseys That Say PNS On Them
Rampant Anti-Rim Brakeism
Crippling Battery Dependence
While We’re At It, Canyon Bicycles
While We’re At It, GRVL*
*[Please note I mean GRVL, not gravel. Gravel is just Very Small Rocks and inherently neither good nor bad. GRVL is a never-ending consumerist fever dream and an unprovoked assault on vowels that has spread like a persistent diaper rash from cycling to all outdoor lifestyle activities.]
Front Derailleur-phobia
Integrated Cockpits, Talking About Integrated Cockpits, Nitpicking About The Many Drawbacks Of Integrated Cockpits When It’s Too Late And Really All Your Fault Anyway Because You’ve Been Enabling These Companies For Years, Etc.
Endless Show Coverage Of Overcomplicated Custom Bicycles With 32-Inch Wheels And Ironic Brand Names And Photos Of Them Next To Their Hipster Builders
It’s a hellscape out there and you should all be deeply ashamed of yourself.
I Love You,
–Tan Tenovo
XOXO