Thanks But No Thanks

I have dedicated my life to cycling. This is because there is so much that is wonderful about it: the joy…the freedom…the exhilaration… But what I love even more than any of those things is that it requires no personal growth from me whatsoever.

See, in real life, no matter how obstinate you may be, you still have to come to terms with change every now and again. Maybe it’s adopting a new set of guidelines at work. Maybe it’s learning how to book an appointment online because a business doesn’t take phone calls anymore. Or maybe you have kids, so you need to have at least a passing familiarity with this weird new world for which you’re ostensibly preparing them.

But none of these things are true about cycling. When it comes to your bikes and how you ride them you can be as closed-minded as you damn well please. And there’s always something new and exciting to spurn, too, such as the nascent aero gravel tire craze:

At first I thought this was ridiculous:

In a world where aero is, allegedly, everything, the lack of aerodynamics in gravel tires is a bit strange. Then, when you consider how much the airflow around a gravel tire can matter, even at slow speeds, the lack of optimization is even stranger. So far, all the aero-engineering in gravel has been around the wheel. Stromm and WTB, however, saw a big, bright flashing light of opportunity that nobody in the industry seemed to be addressing.

But then I realized it is in fact strange aero gravel tires didn’t happened sooner–not because people were clamoring for them, but because every tire company basically sells the same tires with the same tread patterns, so it was only a matter of time before someone figured out a new angle.

“Bright flashing light of opportunity” indeed:

Yes, “vortices” are now the new knobby:

Here’s how it works:

What WTB and Stromm landed on was a small but significant aero “treatment.” On the sidewall of the tire, there are vortices and a trip line. The vortices are elevated, V-shaped rubber ridges. They create small areas of swirling air that serve as a buffer for high-speed air to flow around the shoulder of the tire tread when the air hits the front of the bike. The trip is a small, elevated line of rubber further down the sidewall. While that trip also helps create smoother airflow along that “leading edge” of the tire, the trip is more important for the “trailing edge” when the air is flowing across the rear of the tire and wheel.

And here’s why your skepticism is unfounded:

Oh, and before you mention that aero goes out the window when it gets dirty, that is just not the case. Even with mud and dirt on the tread, the treatment to the tire’s sidewall can still produce aero gains at a range of speeds.

Or, to put it differently: a muddy sedan is still more aerodynamic than a muddy pickup truck.

Right. Now let’s take a look at some of those muddy sedans, shall we?

Imagine how much faster he would have been with some vortices.

Still not buying it? Well, like every other cycling innovation, the proof that it works for bikes is that it already works for other types of vehicles that have absolutely nothing in common with bikes:

While all of this seems complicated, trips and vortices are fairly common in the world of aerospace engineering, the industry where Rothacker spent more than a decade working, including at Boeing. For him, this “secret sauce” that he developed with WTB is not really a secret.

“The secret sauce is pretty much common knowledge in aerospace; it’s no secret.  That’s part of why WTB is patenting this technology because we want to be the only ones who can use the very obvious thing that we’re doing.”

Ah, Boeing. Because this…

…is exactly the same this:

By this logic gravel bikes should also have a tray that folds down in front of you so you can eat a meal while riding.

Hey, I’m not saying that it isn’t possible a tire with vortices might make someone a teeny bit faster under the right conditions. I’m just saying I don’t care–and not in an apathetic way, either. I passionately and aggressively DO NOT CARE, and I find the act of not caring deeply pleasurable if not downright cathartic.

In fact I haven’t felt this good since disc brakes took over, and nary a day goes by when I don’t come across a reason to reject those too:

Are your disc brakes squealing? If what I’m hearing out there on a daily basis is any indication then there’s a good chance they are. In fact I’d put the likelihood at no less than 40%, since if I ride past a group of 10 Freds on the George Washington Bridge at least four of their bikes will howl as they slow to make their way through the hairpin curve on the ramp. But it’s not a big deal, because all they need to do is set their bicycles on fire when they get home:

With the pads removed from the bike, hit them with a dousing of your disc-brake cleaner and then let it evaporate completely. This may take a few minutes.

The next part of the process should only be carried out by adults and done very, very carefully. Before getting stuck in, have a read through the steps and be sure you have the equipment necessary and are confident in undertaking the job.

Fire the pads thoroughly with a propane torch, or over a gas hob, and you might be able to see the contaminants bubbling off – it’s essential to make sure you’re wearing an appropriate respiratory mask, eye protection and fireproof gloves, in a well-ventilated area and using fire-resistant tongs to hold the pads.

Hey, I’m always the first person to make light of environmental hand-wringing, but how do you turn maintaining something as efficient as a bicycle into something this toxic? Back in the rim brake days if yours were making noise maybe you’d toe the pads in a little bit. Now you’ve got to turn your apartment into your own personal brownfield.

But sure, Freds love disc brakes, because they’re much more effective in the rain they never ride in anyway: