Hey! While I was away on vacation there was a custom bike show! Let’s take a look at what I missed!
Oh, never mind:
Sorry, I don’t want to see 32-inch bikes, I don’t want to see drop bar mountain bikes, and I definitely don’t want to see 32-inch drop bar mountain bikes, the Official Fad Machine of 2026. So I’ll be sticking my fingers in my ears, closing my eyes, and going LALALALALALA until it all goes away–though nothing really ever goes away, does it? It just lies dormant for awhile until someone brings it back with a new name. Remember before gravel was invented and these sorts of things used to be called “monster cross” bikes? Whatever happened to that?
So in order to avoid any more trendy content I headed over to the terminally uncool “Bicycling” site, where I was unable to read anything because I don’t have a subscription, though I didn’t really need one since I already know everything.
To wit:
No.
No. Unless you have a crank you want to use and it’s a different length from the one you’re already using. Then yes.
Because they won’t let your fat ass use the drive-thru at McDonald’s:
McDonald’s supports the health and environmental benefits of cycling, however it is our practice not to serve cyclists using the drive-thru lane or drive-thru service windows.
The use of the word “however” is strange here, since incompatibility with fast food drive-thrus is in fact the primary health benefit of cycling.
Hey, I’ll do you one better (or I suppose two better), because here are the top three tire pressure mistakes to avoid:
3. Using too much air
2. Using too little air
1. Using no air at all
You’re welcome.
I’d also have accepted using liquid nitrogen instead of nitrogen gas.
Too easy.
Pedal faster, asshole.
Oh well, having evolved fully into an old man who yells at clouds, it’s clear to me that what’s old is new again and that all the cycling articles have already been written (in most cases many, many times over), which is why I’m now getting all my bike-related advice from Vogue:
Don’t wear a helmet?
Choose hats carefully
Although I generally ride quite slowly, or “like a pensioner,” as my partner would say, having to catch a hat as it flies away is inevitable. So if I really want to finish off an outfit with something on my head, I prefer options I can somehow keep under control. A baseball cap held in place by a ponytail or a securely tied scarf are my favourites. As a general rule, avoid wearing anything the wind could play havoc with.
Don’t wear synthetics?
Avoid polyester and other synthetic fabrics that do not “breathe”
Even if they meet all the criteria above in terms of cut and length, try to avoid polyester during the summer months. The effects of cycling will undo all your efforts to arrive somewhere looking polished and stylish. Breathable natural fabrics will help you stay fresh. Just in case, I never cycle anywhere without deodorant. If my destination is the office, there is often a spare T-shirt in my bag too.
Wear whatever the hell you want on your feet?
And finally, shoes!
One thing that has always made choosing an outfit easier is that I have never really given too much thought to shoes, at least not in relation to cycling. Although it is obviously easiest to ride a bike in sneakers, this wonderful mode of transport can accommodate virtually anything you choose to wear on your feet. Boots, loafers, pumps, anything goes, which is a fairly good guarantee that you will ultimately be able to elevate an outfit you had to adapt for practical reasons. And yes, before I forget, simply get a basket for your bag! It is a lifesaver for carrying anything that might otherwise get in your way while cycling, and it also happens to look chic.
Wow, I was skeptical going in, but this is unironically better than anything you’ll read in any mainstream cycling publication. Who’d have thought one would have to turn to the world of high fashion in order to find refreshing pragmatism? Hey, Anna Wintour couldn’t get that John Galliano thing off the ground, but maybe she can fête Grante Petersen at the Met instead.
Anyway, soon you won’t have any choice but to ride in sneakers and a t-shirt, because at this rate it’s only a matter of time before you’re priced out of gravel:
Wait, I thought “MAMIL” stood for “Middle-Aged Man In Lycra.” Isn’t this a “Young Woman In Lycra,” or “YWIL?”
Regardless, if you’re looking for the perfect bike to bring with you on your superyacht, choose the Factor Elara:
The above was all silly enough, but what follows is one of the dumbest things ever written about a bike:
As you press hard into the cranks, you’ll immediately notice a solidity to the bottom bracket area. It’s massively oversized, creating a rigid shell with the unflexing resoluteness of a carbon-fibre box girder.
Wait, if your crank is properly attached to your bicycle you’ll immediately notice a solidity while pedaling it?
Incredible.
Anyway, once your bike is on board you’ll want to immediately have your crew set a course for some status gravel:
All of the trips they describe sound lovely, but I’d have go with this one:
According to Mia Liefeld, the director of marketing at DuVine, what singles out its luxury experiences are the combination of premium bikes from Colnago and BMC, its carefully selected luxury accommodations and its unique focus on wine and dining. Its finest gravel trips include options like the Colnago Tuscany tour, which takes in Italy’s famous strade bianche (white roads) and starts at about $10,000 per person. Its private villa portfolio spans Provence to California to Tuscany, and custom itineraries can also be built around this.
Though I wonder if I could work out a deal with this operation to lead a tour:
Founded by Cari Gray, this is the pinnacle of custom (not just cycling) travel, and may necessitate a redefinition of words like “bespoke” and “luxury”. There is no “classic” trip, Gray says: “We do things all over the world.” Everything is created from scratch by a huge team of experts and logicians. Routes are prepped and mapped weeks in advance, and a “pre-arrival team” may be on the ground for up to two weeks before guests arrive to drive, walk and cycle every inch of the route and check in with every restaurant, hotel and villa. They arrive with a small army of support vehicles from SUVs to bike trucks. Pros and Olympians are flown in, chefs are shuttled around. There’s a cycling team (including mechanics and even paramedics if necessary), as well as a ground team co-ordinating everything off-bike. “Every trip is a huge production behind the scenes,” Gray says.
It costs what it costs, there’s no price list, this is simply zenith level travel planning/organisation for adventure-seeking billionaires.
Why be the millionth person to ride the Strade Bianche and then quaff wine when you can moor your yacht in the Hudson, come to the Bronx, and then ride with me on the finest gravel Yonkers has to offer?
I’ll even lend you one of my Rivendae so you can leave that ugly-ass Facctor back on the boat.