As a former semi-professional bike blogger-turned gentleman bike blogger, I bullshit on a daily basis:
Yet even I, a veritable font of bullshit, can’t fathom how you could possibly do this on a daily basis on video. Yet YouTube is filled with cycling-themed “content creators” who seem able to do just that. So every so often I check in to see what they’re up to, but I never actually watch anything, because the video titles almost always answer themselves:
What’s cycling like for someone who doesn’t cycle?
It sucks and it’s stupid.
I mean sure, you can get used to it, just like a fetishist can get used to increasingly large butt plugs, but that doesn’t mean everybody needs to try it.
Here’s another one I didn’t have to watch:
What’s the big mystery? Bike crashes happen because you suck–or, to be charitable, maybe you don’t suck but you were riding too close to someone else who does suck. But arguably even then if you didn’t suck you wouldn’t be near other riders who suck in the first place. (To wit: every Cat 4 bike race.) So basically you suck, and there’s no way around it.
And here’s a subject that really doesn’t warrant a video:
Yes.
The answer is yes.
Meanwhile, I couldn’t even read the title of this one without falling asleep:
What happened?!? Nothing. Because there’s no meaningful difference.
This could just as easily have been called “I wanked in an armchair instead of on my sofa…here’s what happened.”
But mostly cycling YouTube is just videos about bikes from China:
I mean yes, they’re all from China now, but I’m referring to the bikes that are actually marketed directly by Chinese companies, like the aforementioned Quick Pro:
I could never have a YouTube channel, and not just because I’m incredibly boring and nobody wants to look at me or listen to me. It’s also because I’d have absolutely no insight into the latest bikes from Quick Pro, except to point out to the potential buyer that you’re not quick, nor are you a pro. You’re slow and you suck. So go ahead and buy one if you want, but it will do nothing to change either one of these fundamental truths.
Hey, what can I say? I’m finished trying to encourage people. If anything we need to bring back the gatekeeping. I don’t want people to join anymore, they’re ruining bikes! (Relax, I’m only 75% serious here.) There may have been a time I subscribed to the “More people on bikes is always a good thing” philosophy, but then it actually happened, and what do we have to show for it? I mean really, what’s improved since I started this blog in 2007? Here’s a list:
Nothing.
Yeah, nothing.
Oh, come on, surely some things have gotten better since 2007, right?
What about wide tires?
Nah, we had those.
What about gravel bikes?
Nah, we had those.
What about bike lanes?
Nah, they’re just full of electric vehicles now.
See the Byrnian ideal of the gentleman bicyclist that Transportation Alternatives and the Smug-telligentsia were pushing back when this blog started never really materialized:
And instead we got this:
And getting stuck behind a slow-moving electric cargo bike is actually a best-case scenario these days:
“The campaign returns as concerns continue about dangerous riding behavior, particularly involving illegal e-bikes and high-speed e-bikes operating on city streets and sidewalks,” reads a news release from Bottcher’s office.
In the past month, there have been several high-profile bike and scooter accidents and injuries on the Upper West Side and in New York City, including two in Central Park, where one woman out jogging was left in a coma, and another where a 17-year-old boy e-bike rider died after ramming into a car near City Hall.
Of course it might all be worth it if all this stuff was replacing cars like advocates always said it would, but in fact the opposite has happened:
Basically we presented people with a choice between large motor vehicles and micromobility, and they chose accordingly:
Meanwhile, the human-powered bicycle remained the domain of the butt plug enthusiasts, only now you need to charge them in order to work the shifters.
Speaking of which…
What about 1X drivetrains?
Nah, it’s a step backwards.
What about 1X drivetrains that require batteries?
Nah, that’s two steps backwards.
Go ahead, keep asking questions, I can do this all day.
Speaking of butt plugs, I do see they’re still managing to squeeze in more cogs:
It is of course very important that Shimano do this, because obviously they’re lagging behind:
[Do we need to say “lags behind?” Is there another way to lag? Can you lag ahead?]
Good point. Tadej Pogačar uses 12-speed Dura-Ace. So this would explain his dismal performance this season.
As far as I’m concerned, the only noteworthy cog number change was whenever bikes went from one to two speeds, which was a whopping 100% increase. After that, every additional cog is proportionately less interesting, and you can’t argue with math. So I don’t know why the bike media makes a big deal about going from 12 speed to 13 speed when they could be fawning over the 100% increase you get when you go double on a Roaduno instead:
Someone should make a video on that.