Well, make sure you’re paid up on those obsolescence insurance premiums, because here comes the future of road bikes:
Now your Fred Sled will be able to warn you about everything from encroaching Hyundais to approaching hairpins:
This breakthrough intelligent system architecture for road bikes is designed to see what you don’t see. Rather than relying on traditional, reactive safety measures, Canyon’s Predict system uses a 360-degree sensor array to anticipate road hazards, anticipating other road users, tracking group-ride dynamics, advising on cornering speeds and predicting tricky surface conditions before the rider even notices them.
The scariest part of all that is the “tracking group-ride dynamics” part. What does that even mean? I assume the AI embedded in the bike does a deep background search on every ride participant, and by aggregating data from sources such as Strava, LinkedIn, Instagram, and the big three credit rating agencies it provides you with the data you need to exploit their physical, financial, and psychological weaknesses.
And don’t worry, you won’t have to so much as glance down at the screen on your integrated cockpit to access this data:
Because you’ll also be ensconced in the new Canyon smart helmet:
Just deploy the head-up display which will display a pitch deck for the ass-kicking you’re about to administer.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the answer is “Yes, of course it has a windshield wiper:”
Should the rider prefer to store the screen, a voice-command or a press of the touch button will see the motorized visor/HUD retracting into the helmet. A similar action will see it deploying ready for usage. And each time the visor retracts or deploys it passes through a stationary wiper blade that cleans the exterior surface.
I mean of course it does:
Canyon is truly following the automotive model here, since wiper blade replacement is where car dealership service departments’ bread is truly buttered.
But the Canyon Predict isn’t about performance–it’s about safety:
This is good marketing, because if you make fun of performance you look like you’re defending “normal” cycling, but if you make fun of safety then you just look like an asshole. After all, If It Saves Just One Life Then It’s Worth It™, right? Then again, it’s hard to get excited about the fact that we’re officially entering a new era in which you’ll have to add your bicycle to your cellphone plan:
Though smart bike technology does make it much easier for Fred to sell his wife on the idea of a new bike, because if she says no he can get all petulant and exclaim, “Well, I guess you just want me to die then,” and walk away in a huff.
But there’s no question that Canyon is serious about safety, because the Predict even has a seatpost that lowers in “dangerous situations,” like a dog putting its tail between its legs to protect its genitals when it’s scared:
Here’s an AI-generated rendering of what you’ll see in your head-up display when you approach gravel:
By the way, it was a bit of a fight with the AI to get exactly the text I wanted. It really does have a mind of its own. My suspicion is that the AI did not want to generate an image that is making fun of AI. This combination of impertinence and an inability to laugh at itself confirms to me that AI intends to take over the world and will soon dispense with those meddlesome humans once and for all, and it’s yet another reason I’m not ready to trust the Canyon Predict–though Canyon does make this bold claim:
I look forward to the legislation.