For over 500 years, the world’s greatest cyclists have bent the Grand Tours to their will. Now that has become the job of the protesters, and so far the Vuelta a España has proven to be quite malleable:
Not only are the organizers asking teams to leave:
The organizers of the Vuelta a España cycling race in Spain asked the Israeli cycling team to withdraw from the competition amid disruptive anti-Israel, pro-Palestinian protests, the team’s owner, philanthropist Sylvan Adams, tells Channel 12 news.
“They called us and asked us to withdraw from the competition,” Adams says. “We’re not leaving. I’m proud of our Israeli name.”
But they’re asking the spectators to leave too:
Apparently this mighty mountain has stood there for eons, but a bunch of drunken Spaniards will somehow destroy it in a single day:
However, stage 20’s spectator ban follows calls from environmental activists from the Ecologists in Action group to avoid the climb, known officially as Alto de Guarramillas, altogether.
The group believes that the stage 20 finish, along with the crowds, infrastructure, and traffic, will damage the fragile ecosystem of the mountain.
It’s 2025, there are more indignant people out there than at any point in human history, and as a result if you’re engaged in any type of highly visible commercial enterprise there’s never been more pressure on you to appease as many of them as possible. But organizers should be careful here lest they destroy the fragile ecosystem of anybody who still gives a shit about professional cycling. Get rid of everything in the Vuelta that everybody objects to and by the time it gets to Madrid it won’t be a bike race at all, it’ll be like three people doing some sort of interpretive dance.
Then again, maybe I’m being too cynical. Perhaps the real message here is that it’s never been more possible to effect change, and I too should stand up for what I believe in and strive to make a difference. That’s why I’ll be traveling to Spain and organizing a “No Carbon, No Discs, No Electronics” protest at the Vuelta, and if I can get enough people to join me I suspect we’ll have the entire peloton riding lugged steel bikes with downtube shifters by Tuesday.
And if we’re going to protest teams, let’s not forget Team Bahrain Victorious:
And the most immoral team of them all, Alpecin–Deceuninck, purveyors of bogus caffeinated men’s shampoo:
It’s basically just snake oil for your balding head, and all cyclists know that only Johann Museeuw possesses the true secret to hair regrowth:
Yes, that Museeuw was a mad scientist, especially when it came to his experiments with wasps and inner tubes:
Museeuw: “A wasps’ nest, can you work one out? I’m leaving on Wednesday for a training camp. I have no sight of the wasp. I have no control until 28/7.”
Landuyt: “Now I would take 80-100 wasps and at the start of the training camp a minimum of 40 and maximum of 60 wasps. Then completely clean from 19/7. It has to be in the inner tube. Test with washing machine.”
The only thing less subtle than his ham-handed attempts at speaking in code were his hair plugs.