Recently I mentioned the new Canyon Grizl. Since then I’ve watched a video about it, and I can confidently say the Grizl is completely redefining the gravel bike, cycling, and life itself. Here is that video:
In it, we meet Lars Wagner, the genius who invented the Grizl:
“To make a hybrid without compromises you have to look for synergies,” he explains. I don’t know what that means, and I suspect neither does he. He also refuses to disclose the secret location of the Grizlcraft Research Lab, though I suspect it’s deep in a mountain somewhere and guarded by expendable flunkies who are routinely killed when spies from Specialized sneak up behind them.
This is followed by rapid clips of what I can only describe as spastic cycling, sorry if that offends you:
Presumably this is to warn us that the Grizl handles extremely poorly, because I see no other reason to show people crashing in your product video…unless they’re agents from Specialized trying to flee on their shitty Diverges.
“But you don’t want to make it complicated and heavy,” the Grizl’s inventor continues, as we watch a woman Jesus-carry this thing up the side of a mountain for some reason:
Maybe the idea they’re trying to convey here is that the Grizl not only handles poorly, but is so downright dangerous to ride that you’re better off just carrying it.
Canyon Road & Gravel Brand Manager Matt Leake then tells us that “Grizlin'” is British slang for “just going for a gravel ride without any performance goals,” which is odd because he’s riding a trainer while he tells us this:
We also see people presumably going on a gravel ride without any performance goals:
[They’re just out there grizlin’ and looking for synergies.]
At this point both the bike and the video call to mind another informal British verb, and I believe it’s pronounced “Wankin’.”
Then there’s more footage of people carrying the bike, just to remind you to stay the hell off of it whatever you do:
We then hear from a real life “cycling journalist and bike tester:”
As you might suspect from his job description, he tells us absolutely nothing useful about anything.
Then Taylor Phinney tells us while looking around distractedly that while racing he used to just spend his time looking around distractedly and wishing he could just go like wander and explore and stuff:
That is the face, mustache and ratty t-shirt of someone who really just needs to Buy A Rivendell Already.
Then some people without jobs tell you how nice it is to ride around and just, like, be, in a way that really makes you want to tell them to fuck off:
After which a bunch of people who have jobs selling bikes explain to you how wonderful this one is, including Gravel Product Manager Matthias Eurich, seen here stroking his giant imaginary penis:
Astute readers will note that earlier we heard from the “Road and Gravel Brand Manager,” and might find themselves wondering what the difference is between a Gravel Brand Manager and a Gravel Product Manager, and why a bike company needs both. I have no idea. However, I do know that if Canyon doesn’t sell enough Grizls at least one of them is going to be out of a job.
Then there’s some more walking:
I’m tempted to invoke the “Just Buy A Rivendell Already” admonition, but it seems like these people need to skip the bike altogether and just get a good pair of hiking boots.
I think I found that synergy they were looking for.