Resistance Is Futile

Good morning! Time for your daily exercises! Are you wearing your matching groupthink sweatsuit? Great!

Now let’s all repeat the e-bike mantra:

I know, I know, there are plenty of stories that support the “mostly peaceful” AI-generated narrative above. Furthermore, I realize every place and every person is different, and you shouldn’t make sweeping generalities based on your own anecdotes. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to point out that as e-bikes continue to proliferate the above is so starkly, absurdly, and hilariously antithetical to what I’m witnessing here on a daily basis that I’m beginning to wonder what else they’re lying to me about. I mean I’ve always accepted that the Earth is round and that we landed on the Moon, but I’m now considering joining the increasing number of people who believe we’ve been living on the Moon all this time and that the flat thing up in the sky is actually Earth:

[The actual Earth, which we never landed on and which is obviously flat.]

All I know for sure is that this past weekend I had like every negative e-bike encounter it’s possible to have, right down to a kid wheelie-ing an electric Citi Bike against traffic directly at me on purpose as I drove THE CAR THAT I OWN. And yes, I realize the sad irony that I’m now an old man complaining about how annoying e-bikes are while I’m driving around in my car, but come on, that’s just some stupid shit. Furthermore, it’s not like I’m saying we should ban Citi Bikes or something–I remain pro-Citi Bike, and I know absent Citi Bikes he’d simply find some other stupid thing to do, like surfing on a subway train–I’m just saying the full panoply of e-assisted anarchy was on display this weekend, that’s all.

But perhaps the most ironic thing I saw was at a parking lot along the North County Trailway, where a group of older gentlemen were unloading e-bikes that looked like this from their pickup truck beds

The bikes were so heavy that they had to roll them down ramps like they were motorcycles. So tell me: how the hell are these things a net positive if people are just driving them to the bike path on pickup trucks? I thought they were supposed to eliminate car trips; instead they’d just requiring people to drive bigger vehicles. Furthermore, how are they enhancing “accessibility for all ages” in this scenario? They can wrangle an e-bike off of a Ford F-150 but they can’t pedal a bicycle? What about just driving a normal car with a normal bike on it to the completely flat bike path built along a former railroad line? Or, if you love motors and the sensation of being on two wheels, why not just do what generations of retirees have done before you and BUY A FREAKING HARLEY-DAVIDSON?!? Instead of driving it to a bike path you can ride it right out of the driveway! And sure, I realize people do drive their motorcycles places, but for the most part it’s the only recreational vehicle that actually deserves to sport a “One Less Car” sticker, and I’d much rather “share the road” with a bunch of middle-aged motorcyclists on overpriced and over-chromed bikes than with more pickup truck drivers, even if they are carrying e-bikes on them.

Of course what I really think they should do is Just Buy A Rivendell already, but that’s never gonna happen:

Though I would argue the idea that Rivendells aren’t fast is a misconception. In fact, I may currently be riding the World’s Raciest Rivendell:

The bars are even ever-so-slightly lower than the saddle!

This is about the time of year I start deciding which bike to bring with me on my end-of-summer vacation, and while it’s always possible I’ll make some zany last-minute decision* the Roadini is pretty much a shoo-in, inasmuch as I very much put it together with my end-of-summer vacation needs in mind.

*[I also brought the Jones with me, so it really wasn’t all that zany after all.]

It has the drop bars and the clipless pedals to satisfy the roadie yearnings I seem unable to shake even as I enter the shaking-fist-at-e-bikers phase of life…

…and yet I’ve got all the gears I could possibly need to get up those steep dirt roads:

And of course there’s sufficient tire clearance should I hop over to Vermont and take it onto some Very Small Rocks:

I have been extremely pleased with these tires in terms of both ride quality and robustitude, and think they’re ideal for this bike–though I do sometimes lie awake and worry that my tire test may be lying to me:

This is why I’m officially changing to “The Chung Method:”

Since real world testing has such a high number of factors to consider, such as weather variability, surface changes, rider fatigue, etc. getting accurate results is tough. All of these factors make this testing much more expensive and time consuming than drum testing.

Poertner’s preferred testing method is called the Chung Method, also known as Virtual Elevation Testing.

What is the Chung Method? Basically it’s riding the bike with different tires and seeing which ones are the fastest:

The basic premise of the Chung Method is to ride a short, stop-free course several times at a variety of power outputs (a power meter is necessary, as is a way to accurately measure speed and altitude gain). It is also critical to test on a day without wind. By repeating this test with different tyres, one can isolate the true coefficient of rolling resistance of each tyre on the surface at hand.

Does this “method” really deserve its own name? Isn’t it just a straightforward comparison? I arrived at which flavor granola I prefer in much the same way, but I don’t go around saying that I prepare my breakfast using The Tan Tenovo Method: