I confess that every so often I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in a cold sweat with one thought racing through my mind:
“What happens if companies stop making dumb bike stuff we can laugh at?”
Well thankfully human folly appears to be an inexhaustible resource, for a reader (thank you, reader!) has just alerted me to the existence of the RAF Pioneering Bike Backpack:
By the way, RAF stands for “Ram Air Fairing,” not “Royal Air Force:”
Here’s how the RAF Pioneering Bike Backpack works:
Basically what happens is you’re riding with your best bro, but you can’t keep up with him:
This is because he’s leveraged the incredible drag-reducing benefits of the RAF Pioneering Bike Backpack, which instantly transforms him into a creature resembling a man-o’-war jellyfish:
Smugly he gloats as he sails away from you on a wave of aerodynamic superiority:
When you finally catch up with him because he’s stopped to take a drink from his water bottle (he can’t drink and ride at the same time), you breathlessly implore: “I can’t keep up. I thought we were going for a ride together. Why can’t we just both not wear the bro-bag so we can talk about chicks and sports?” Sadly, his best bro’s look says it all:
“Yeah, sorry bro, this is what we’re doing now. Bag up or pack out.”
So now you’ve got a major decision to make. Do you retain your dignity, or do you strap a freaking tall kitchen garbage bag to your back like an idiot?
“OK, I will join you in dorkdom,” you decide:
You look understandably concerned as you cross the Rubicon of Fredness:
You also can’t stop thinking about that scene in “Trainspotting” where Tommy decides he wants to try heroin:
In the back of your mind you have a bad feeling that you’re going to wind up dead in a pile of cat feces, but in the meantime at least you and your best bro can bump fists:
And together you fly where eagles dare:
Speaking of flying, the founder of the company is apparently a professional paraglider (how is that even a thing?), so I see no reason this contraption shouldn’t also incorporate a parachute or wingsuit so you can ride right off a cliff:
Regardless, the Man-O’-War Mighty Hump Of Aerodynamic Dorkitude apparently minimizes wind resistance by 19.6%:
Meanwhile the Trek Y-Foil saves you a whopping 34%:
Is riding a normal bike while wearing an apparatus that looks like something a lizard might deploy in order to attract a mate really a more attractive proposition than riding a bike that looks like a wind tunnel-sculpted hunk of cheddar cheese?
Maybe I should order one of these Speed Humps for myself and try it with the Y-Foil. I bet I’d arrive back home before I even left!
For now though, aerodynamics are pretty much the last thing on my mind:
Though I will drop into the occasional aero tuck:
I could probably save a few more seconds by wearing an appropriately rustic Rivendell-inspired burlap skinsuit:
Just need to finish off those potatoes first.