Total Recall

It seems like only just last week when we were discussing cranks, because it was, and of course the big news in bike parts is that Shimano is now recalling a shitload of them:

I guess Ultra-Torque doesn’t look so bad now, does it?

[“In faccia, Shimano!“]

But the problem isn’t the whole Hollowtech II bottom arrangement; it’s the fact that some years back Shimano started bonding their high-end cranks together for some reason. The result? Carnage!

Wait. Is that a measly six people injured out of a whopping 760,000 cranks sold? Or do they simply mean that when the crank fails you’ll experience six exciting types of injury? Either way, I had no idea I was flirting with disaster during the time I was riding a bike with a modern Dura-Ace crank:

This was the bike I used during my brief midlife crisis-induced return to park racing, and I was all set to return for the 2020 season when…

So I upgraded to a much nicer Specialized instead, and by the time racing started up again I no longer wanted to do it anymore:

So I guess something good came out of that whole shitshow after all.

Anyway, here’s more on the recall directly from Shimano:

Oh, only seven years’ worth of cranks, is that all?

There’s also a video:

I doubt you’ll actually want to watch it, but it does contain some surprisingly sensual crank-cleaning footage if you’re into that sort of thing:

[That crank arm looks aroused.]

Do you like that?

Of course you do.

Besides that, the video instructs you to look for cracks anyplace they might form, which is basically everywhere, because the crank is bonded for chrissakes:

And people laughed at Biopace…

But the good news is that if your bonded crank isn’t cracked you can just keep right on riding it:

Yeah, right. Intellectually you may understand you only have a one in 126666.666667 chance of experiencing a crank failure resulting in injury, but on an emotional level you’ll never, ever be able to trust it again.

So by all means, be sure to follow the Shimano recall protocol:

  • Verify that you have a bonded Shimano crank
  • Inspect your bicycle for other faulty components, such as battery-powered shifters and disc brakes
  • If you find any of the above, consult your local retrogrouch for a suitable replacement:

Ride safely and continue to maintain your bicycle/equipment.

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