Integrate This!

I may be out of it, but the one thing I do know is that the kids today love the wide handlebars*:

This is so they can carry voluminous handlebar bags on their three-hour rides during which they spend at least one of those hours making pour-over coffee. But they also love them in the city, where the narrow fixie bars of yesteryear

…have since given way to this:

*Except on road bikes where super-narrow handlebars are now in fashion, because nobody in bikes can ever do anything just normal:

Bike stuff really should have the decency to stay exactly the way I’d like them to and never, ever change.

Anyway, narrow road bars notwithstanding, we all know wide is the new narrow–though ain’t nobody told Aintro:

Apart from being narrow and unspoiled by grips, the Aintro comes in either wood or crabon because of course it does. It also features “integrated brakes,” a feature so stupid not even SRAM is pushing it (yet):

I’m not sure how that “improves posture” or “increases brake reaction timing.” It does limit all sorts of things, including positioning and what type of brake you use–though it does help you gauge your bike’s mood, so there is that:

See? It’s happy, like a seal flapping its flippers:

They’re really pushing the whole “braking reaction” thing though:

Presumably the lack of a clamp saves you several millimeters of reach. Just watch this convincing GIF of a rider who can’t take a corner to save his life:

At first I thought, “Okay, he’s just afraid of pedal strike on his fixie.” But then I noticed he was coasting. So it must be the extremely high safety factor of his Aintro bars.

By the way, you know what’s also great for safety? BARE CRABON WITH NO HAND GRIPS:

Perfect for the timid cornerer with sweaty palms.

Most importantly, the Aintro bar will make your bike lighter, and therefore faster:

How much lighter? Half!

Wait. Do they mean the wood is less than half the weight of an aluminum bar, or that you save less than half with the wood, whereas you save the whole half (?) with the crabon? Also, which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of lead? I’m so confused. But overall I do think the Aintro has a whole grabber pole aesthetic going that will make it a huge success:

Too bad they didn’t carry over that handgrip.

Also, perhaps the integrated lever really is safe, since it prevents people from getting too creative with lever placement. Remember the days of Peak Fixie, when we were treated to displays such as the Top Tube-Mounted Brake Lever (TTMBL)?

It wasn’t just a trend, it was a lifestyle:

And once your brake lever migrates off the handlebar it’s liable to wind up anywhere:

STI levers are a bit safer in that regard, but only marginally:

And just wait until they start doing electronic braking, then you’ll be able to put a brake actuator anywhere:

There is absolutely no reason for bicycles to have electronic brakes, which is how you know with 100% certainty that soon all bikes will have electronic braking. After all, there are still one or two components on a bicycle that still don’t require a battery, which is an unacceptable state of affairs. By 2030 even your bolts will have batteries, because when you tighten them they’ll send the torque value directly to your phone via Bluetooth.

Now I’m just depressed.

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