New Outside Column! And Garvel!

In my latest Outside column, I attempt to make sense of competitive garvel racing:

Yes it’s behind a “paywall,” yes it will eventually not be behind a paywall, no I don’t care if you’re annoyed that it’s behind a paywall, and no I do not succeed in actually making any sense out of competitive garvel racing–and neither do the racers themselves, apparently:

Jeez. Either you’re thirsty or you’re not. Is this a bike race or an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm?”

Speaking of garvel, I’ve decided that garvel bieks are currently the most boring form of bicycle. I mean they’ve only been a thing for less than 10 years and there are already so many indistinguishable variations on the same sleep-inducing them that nobody can tell them apart anymore. So now they just lump them all together and call them all the “best:”

There really shouldn’t be 28 iterations of any type of bicycle. Come up with something else, for chrissakes! Even Cipollini himself has gotten in on it:

I mean if you’re going to buy a garvel biek why on earth would you buy it from Cipollini of all people? That’s like ordering pasta at a diner. Anyway, everyone knows Cipollini would never go anywhere near garvel as it would stick to his oily torso:

And I don’t even want to know how the “MyCipo personalized paint program” works.

Also, be sure not to confuse the best garvel bieks with the best cyclocross bikes, because they’re TOTALLY DIFFERENT:

See, garvel bieks have longer top tubes and shorter wheelbases. Or maybe cyclocross bikes have shorter wheelbases and steeper head and seat tube angles. Or maybe one or the other has more or less trail. No, wait, it’s the bottom bracket height. Or something. I dunno, can we talk about something else?

Okay. Something else? Like what?

Something completely different from garvel bieks and cyclocross bikes–like endurance road bikes!

Unlike garvel and cyclocross bikes, which are fast drop-bar bikes that can handle a variety of terrain, endurance road bikes are fast drop-bar bikes that can handle a variety of terrain:

Got it?

Aw, fuck it, I’m buying a Rivendell.

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