Slave To The Grind

This morning I undertook a lovely two-fifths of a century ride on the be-splattered Davidson Impulse from Classic Cycle:

The more I ride it the more I like it, so please, I beg of you, save me from myself and buy this bike like I asked you to do the other day.

Well, the weekend is upon us, but before we work our way into its warm folds, I’d quickly like to share with you a mystifying commercial that a couple readers were kind enough to forward to me.

The advertisement is for LegalZoom, and it opens with an endearingly soul-patched bicycle mechanic:

He seems harmless enough, but for reasons that are not immediately apparent, he soon begins savaging the pedal with an angle grinder:

LegalZoom then notifies him that his business is “official:”

At which point this psychopath sets the angle grinder aside and bludgeons the pedal with a mallet:

So what was he trying to accomplish here? Perhaps the bike’s owner brought it in to have those old rat traps replaced with a pair of clipless pedals, and this was the best effort our flavor saver-sporting hero could muster. Regardless, basking in the satisfaction of a job well done, he mops his brow:

And switches on his “Open” sign to lure in more unsuspecting victims:

This video is highly disturbing, though I’m relieved they used a bike mechanic, because if they’d gone with a barber we would have had to watch someone getting decapitated. (That said, the mechanic may want to take an angle grider to that soul patch.) Anyway, it’s a good thing he has LegalZoom, because he’s gonna need it when the owner of that Cannondale comes back, finds half his crankarm missing, and sues him for damages.

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