Deer In The Headlights

It’s the mayoral primary election today here in New York City. You know, there are people out there who think New Yorkers are arrogant and suffer from the delusion that their city is the center of the universe. I have no idea where this notion comes from–I mean, we only think the fate of the planet depends on who we elect to govern our municipality, that’s all:

The mayor’s ability to influence the course of events even within New York City is marginal at best, but yeah, I’m sure the policies of whoever get elected will determine our collective fate as a species.

Hey, it’s not that I don’t care about the planet, it’s just that I don’t live in a state of dread over it, nor do I think it gives a flying fuck who we elect to be mayor. There’s a difference.

Of course, I’m much more interested in where the candidates stand on helmets. (Not literally of course, you should never stand on a helmet, especially in your stocking feet–though if you absolutely must stand on a helmet you should at least wear a helmet). However, it’s unlikely I’ll ever come across one whose helmet policy meets my rigorous criteria:

Certainly a ban on expanded polystyrene would be exactly the sort of bold stance against climate change we need from a mayoral candidate. Did you know there’s a 1,000 square-mile island made entirely of discarded bicycle helmets currently floating around in the Pacific? I mean sure, that’s not entirely true, but it’s exactly the sort of “fact” that would get lots of traction on social media:

[The Great Pacific Helment Patch]

Unfortunately nobody’s ready to stand up to Big Helmet:

And while I’m on the subject of cities spending money on helmets, I’ll once again remind you of the time New York City commissioned some company to design one:

2009 was a quaint period in the history of New York City cycling. Bike lanes were coming in and cycling for transportation was an increasingly popular concept, and yet nobody had figured out you were supposed to be troubled by the gender gap, hence the helmet that looked like it was intended for a warship gunner. (No, I’m not inferring that women can’t be warship gunners, but yes, I am suggesting that even in 2021 the majority of them don’t want to look like one while they’re bicycling.)

Having said all that, I do acknowledge there’s little place left in the world for a person whose faith in bicycles is so strong that he does not feel the need to tie them to some larger environmental agenda, and whose approach to the act of riding them has become so cavalier that yesterday he rode 20 miles in flip-flops. (Hey, I’m keeping my feet cool to save the planet!) Also, that militaristic helmet would kind of go with the Eye Of The Tiger Bike, I have to admit:

By the way, people must be feeding the deer, because when I went into my pocket for my phone this one approached me like I was about to give it a treat:

At this rate people will be walking these things on leashes in two years–and in ten years these things will be walking the people.

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