New Outside Column!

Parenting is hard work. For example, when you fill a cooler full of beverages on a hot day, you’ve got to make sure they don’t accidentally drink the hard seltzer instead of the soda. (They really should make the labeling more obvious.) Also, you’ve got to prepare them to earn a living and make their own way, and avoid pitfalls such as falling into a life of pro cycling:

You’ve heard of “keeping them off the pole,” but it may be even more important to keep them off the crabon.

Speaking of coolers full of drinks both soft and hard, it’s hot here in New York, which means you should be sitting upright and riding slowly:

Actually, you can’t go wrong following that protocol regardless of the conditions. It’s a great way to avoid unwittingly becoming a pro cyclist.

Also, watch out for dangerous wildlife, like this obviously satanic deer I saw lurking behind the Son of Sam gates the other day:

And yes, that red stuff on the gate is the blood of innocents, at least until I hear differently.

Sadly, yesterday, I missed out on the urban nature photography opportunity of a lifetime, when I was set upon in Van Cortlandt Park by what was almost certainly a snapping turtle:

Alas, the above photo is not mine, as if you couldn’t tell by the excellent quality. Furthermore, I’m not sure the beast I saw was quite so spiky. I’ll also cop to the fact that it didn’t attack me so much as it sat listlessly beside the bike path. Still, it was a vicious-looking creature, and I’ve little doubt it could easily have torn my Bruce Gordons from my Atlas rims with its formidable maw had it been so inclined. Actually a trained snapping turtle could make a useful tire removal tool, and would probably live happily in my Sackville Bagboy were I to line it with grass:

The only problem is you might forget it’s in there, then go for you flannel and lose a digit:

But yeah, my phone was broken, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

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