Legendary Hack

Further to Friday’s post, this past weekend, at considerable expense, I hired a team of professional photographers to chronicle my first ride in the Brancale Dynamic II bicycle-riding shoes:

We had one photographer on the back of a Ducati who got shots of the upper:

Then we got a street luge rider with a GoPro strapped to his chest who actually passed under me so we could get a shot of the crabon sole transferring every last watt of my pedal stroke into the robust bottom bracket shell of my sporting bicycle:

Just kidding:

No, I just snapped a couple of shots during my ride this weekend. So far I find the shoes quite comfortable and like them very much. They are noticeably stiffer in the sole than my Sidis, which I think complements my plastic bicycle particularly well. I’m now working on a theory that you should match your shoe stiffness to your bicycle stiffness (this could be a tremendous boon to the cycling industry as it would mean that everybody should have a specific pair of shoes for each bicycle) though my research is in the early stages and it’s too early to share my results.

Speaking of massive power transfer and goal-oriented cycling, I recently received the following email from a popular social media app that assigns a numerical value to how badly you suck:

OH MY GOD!

Yes, of all the Strava accolades, the “Local Legend” is the one closest to a participant ribbon:

Basically, all it means is you’ve ridden a certain segment more than anyone else, which in turn means you ride the same routes over and over again, all of which is just a roundabout way of saying you’re a total loser. But just because I’m a loser doesn’t mean I’m not special goddamn it, so who the hell does this [redacted] character think he is, anyway???

“You’re damn right it’s time to get back out there!,” I shouted at my phone. Unfortunately, I was also in bed, since it was exactly 11:02 PM, which is like 3:00 AM in parent-of-young-children time:

Nevertheless, I knew what I had to do, so I threw back the covers, slithered into my Lycra, hopped on my…

Yeah, fuck that, I went to sleep with extreme prejudice.

Of course, all this flitting about and recording it is not only inherently pathetic, but it also leaves you vulnerable to hackers, cybercriminals, and other nefarious netizens:

The ransomware attack on Garmin which started on Thursday morning is now in its fourth day, with the company issuing a brief statement as well as a list of frequently asked questions that users may have, including reassuring users that their personal data is safe.

As we reported yesterday the orchestrators of the attack are said to be seeking a ransom of $10 million to cease the attack, which has affected services including the fitness tracking service, Garmin Direct.

Garmin Direct? $10 million? Please. I’m already preparing to launch the boldest and most lucrative data heist the world has ever seen. First, I’m going to hack into Strava, and then I’m going to steal everyone’s KOMs, kudos, and “Local Legend” prizes and hold them all for ransom. And forget shaking down the company–that’s chump change. No, I’m going after the riders themselves. Do you really think the sorts of people who pay $2,500 for ENVE wheels aren’t going to pay several multiples of that to get their hard-won virtual “You Did It!” stickers back? In fact, I’m willing to bet there are financially flush Freds out there who would pay $10 million just to get a single KOM back.

Hey, I may be a legendary hack, but with this one legendary hack I’ll be set for life!

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