You now have two more days to enter the inaugural edition of the 35th Annual Meh-Roica Bicycle Beauty Pageant:
Sponsored by Dumonde Tech, the Dom Pérignon of bicycle lubricants:
[WARNING: Do Not Drink]
And if you’re unfamiliar with Dom Pérignon, it’s the Dumonde bicycle lubricant of fizzy alcoholic drinks:
Glad we could clear that up…
…though no doubt les Frederiques de Champagne will quibble over the analogy.
In the meantime, as you go about your day, spare a thought for me, the person who must somehow choose a winner from among these dazzling submissions. Do I go with classic aluminum?
Or custom steel?
Speaking of aluminum, in the heady days of the Meh-roica era, when shopping for a high-end Eye-talian bicycle you could choose between oversized magnet-resistant tubing:
Or traditional lugged steel:
Or else there was this, the most Meh-roica-riffic bicycle of them all:
See what I mean? This competition is becoming almost as tight as the tire clearances. However will I choose?
But while there may be a seemingly infinite supply of Meh-hroica bikes out there, it appears that the global supply of gimmicky ultra-endurance cycling routes is in danger of being exhausted. The Silk Road, the Continental Divide, “Everesting” the Williamsburg Bridge…it’s all been done. And clearly Lachlan Morton, the David Blaine of Bikes, is running out of ideas, because now he’s racing against 19th century letter carriers for some reason:
And he beat them, too!
So in your face…uh, old-timey people on horseback?
After 3,217km across the western half of America, Morton rolled into Sacramento at 11:19 p.m., completing his ride in six days, 21 hours and 15 minutes.
That put him 19 hours and 45 minutes ahead of the horseback relay that carried Abraham Lincoln’s inaugural address from Missouri to California in 1861.
So which arduous historical route will he conquer next? The Louis & Clark Expedition? The Trail of Tears? The Oregon Trail?
Either way, he sure showed ’em:
Those riders used roughly 197 horses by swapping out at intervals. Morton did it himself, with a quiver of bikes and a support crew.
Big deal. If he did it on a horse maybe I’d be impressed.
And finally, speaking of running out of ideas…
So what is this “unprecedented new era,” anyway?
“The collaboration explores and propels the unprecedented new era cycling is now entering, taking an active part in a shift in the way the bike is seen, worn and understood,” MAAP says.
“It pushes back against a world built for seamlessness, with its algorithmic palettes, frictionless identities and quiet flattening of everything into something instantly legible. Performance gets a wider definition here. Physical commitment, image, attitude and experimentation share the same road.”
I…I don’t…what?
And did they just say bikes are worn?
Well, I did visit the site, and think maybe all that is just pretentious for wearing a t-shirt with cycling shorts:
Or possibly just standing there like a ski jumper in mid-air:
Sorry, I can’t stand it anymore, I’m going to go wear my bike now.