The Dating Game

Having recently sold an Industry Standard Gravelling Appliance, I know how difficult it can be, and it’s probably because of articles like this:

Granted, according to Salsa the ISGA I sold can fit 50mm, but still, it’s a model that’s been around awhile now, and the shelf life for these things is only a few years at best:


If you’re thinking of buying a new gravel bike this year, stop right now and check whether it has at least 50mm of tyre clearance. If not, don’t buy it.

While 40 to 45mm of tyre clearance was considered adequate a few short years ago, things are moving fast in the world of gravel riding and those bikes are now outdated.


And you don’t want to ride around on an outdated gravel bike, because then nobody will invite you to join the fun:


In this regard, my gravel bike (or its fork, specifically) has reached its limit. If wheels and tyres trend even wider in the future, I’ll need to upgrade to join in the fun.


Would you be caught dead riding with someone who had a gravel bike that didn’t fit 50mm tires? I sure wouldn’t! It makes me think of the kid we used to make fun of in school because he wore hand-me-down clothes and still had bellbottoms, which in retrospect was really disgusting behavior on our part, but in the end he got the last laugh because eventually they came back in style again, whereas I’m a washed-up bike blogger.

But unlike bellbottoms, gravel bikes with clearance for 40mm tires are not at all groovy, and so they will never come back in style again. NEVER. They’re “a technological dead end”…like a cassette tape, or a fleam, or this blog.

Or “a road bike with rim brakes:”


To put it another way, a gravel bike with clearance for 40mm tyres now feels akin to a road bike with maximum clearance for 28s.

That bike could be fantastic, and you could experience most of the best road cycling has to offer, but much like a road bike with rim brakes, it’s a technological dead end.


Wait.

What the hell did I just read!?!

TAKE THAT BACK!

This can only be the universe punishing me for laughing at that kid’s bellbottoms, because it is just hurtful and wrong. How DARE you call road bikes with rim brakes a “technological dead end!” HOW DARE YOU.

[Intern: insert Greta GIF here]

Calling a road bike with rim brakes a “technological dead end” is like calling Michelangelo’s David an oversized paperweight:

It immediately marks you as a philistine, for both the road bike and the statue are purity of form embodied, the fusion of strength and elegance, and the epitome of artistry. They transcend the materials from which they are made, and the hands that shaped them have reached across the ages and presented you with something timeless. Indeed, to see a classic road bike and get hung up on the rim brakes or the tire clearance is like looking at David and giggling at his…appendage.

Though in total fairness Dave’s hand…

Does appear to be a little bigger than his face:

And you know what we used to say it meant when your hand was bigger than your face? Yes, if we weren’t ridiculing kids for their clothes we were doing the old hand-to-the-face trick. Wow, we really were awful, weren’t we?

So yes, a road bike with rim brakes is like a Renaissance masterpiece, while a gravel bike is cartoonish and bloated, like those sculptures by this guy:

Sure, they’re fun and appealing and all that stuff, but they don’t really speak to the soul, now do they?

Plus, rim brake road bikes aren’t a “dead end” because all you need to do is make the rim brakes bigger and they work on gravel just fine, thankyouverymuch:

Look at that, ample tire clearance…

AND elegance, both on the same bike:

Amazing.

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