If you’re old enough to be receiving routine colonoscopies there’s a decent chance you’re of the opinion that we are raising a generation of simpering, mollycoddled, over-programmed, under-developed, screen-addled invertebrates. You may even think this advice column is a case in point:
Here’s what happened:
My husband and I have a 6-year-old son, “Xavier,” and a 15-month-old daughter. We recently gave Xavier a new bike. Last weekend, he took off on it and disappeared for over two hours before he came home. Xavier said he’d just been riding around the neighborhood and on the next block over, but I was about ready to call the police! After this I don’t think our son should be allowed to ride his bike unless myself or my husband is with him until he’s at least 10. My husband, however, doesn’t think what he did is a big deal, citing the fact that he used to ride around on his bike for hours at a time when he was around our son’s age. That was more than 30 years ago when things were safer! What can I do to get him to take Xavier’s safety seriously?
—Reasonable Riding Restrictions
Hmmm. 30 years ago was 1996. Were things really safer back then? Probably not, though I’m way too lazy to look it up.
Anyway, as a parent who receives routine colonoscopies, I’m torn. (Not literally–an irrational fear of tearing is not a reason to put off that colonoscopy!) On one foot, six is pretty young to be off riding by yourself; on the other foot, at six I would certainly have been off riding by myself, and I turned out just fine, multiple psychologically scarring and potentially deadly encounters notwithstanding.
So sure, I get it. It’s 2026, not 1996–and certainly not 1976, which is closer to my own frame of reference. In retrospect, dangers such alcoholic authority figures, secondhand smoke exposure, and casual racism seem positively quaint. Hey, was all a character-building journey, right?
Now we live in a scary dystopian future in which Cybertrucks roam the streets and a solo bike ride is a one-way ticket to Epstein Island–and even if you do make it back you’re lucky if your friends don’t set you on fire for social media cred:
Still, this response from the columnist seems a bit harsh:
My friend, I’m glad you wrote in, because, respectfully, your husband isn’t the only one who needs a wake-up call here. It is absolutely unacceptable that you allowed your 6-year-old child out of your sight, out in the world, for two hours. Even 10 minutes gone without explicit permission and knowledge of where exactly you could find him would have been too much! As soon as he was out of your sight, you should have been after him. And if he left without your knowledge, you should have been canvassing the neighborhood as soon as you realized he was gone.
Jeez, relax! The kid came back, didn’t he? Also, context is important, and we have no idea where these people even live. “Riding around the neighborhood” means completely different things in different places. Here you’re liable to get hit by a car:
Whereas here you’re probably more likely to get hit by a tennis ball:
Thus we see the complex forces of social injustice at work. Poor children are threatened by reckless motorists, whereas rich children are threatened by errant tennis balls–and even if we do replace the motor vehicles with tennis courts, the rich children are still at considerably lower risk since there’s a much higher chance they’ve had lessons, are carrying a racket, and can return a lob.
This is why I’ve long advocated for UTL (Universal Tennis Lessons).
So when can you allow children to ride bicycles on their own in a modern world besieged by giant SUVs and flying fuzzy Wilsons? Well here’s what the experts say:
The American Academy of Pediatrics advises age 11 or 12 is when most children are developmentally ready to be unsupervised. That’s twice the age of your son. He is just not ready for the responsibility of biking alone yet, and he won’t be for many years.
Unfortunately this is far too general for today’s overbearing parents, who need to know exactly what their children should be allowed to do and when they should be allowed to do it, right down to the minute. To that end, I suggest the American Academy of Pediatrics adopt the following guidelines for young bicyclists:
- 0-3 years: do not let child anywhere near a bicycle
- 3-4 years: let child play with a bicycle helmet while you softly recite pro-helmet propaganda
- 4-6 years: gift child a balance bike or a scooter, allow them to use it only at a playground under adult supervision while wearing a helmet and elbow and knee pads that severely limit mobility and spontaneity (and be sure to drive to playground whenever possible)
- 6-10 years: gift child an ill-fitting superhero-themed bike that would be difficult to ride even if child was not wearing knee and elbow pads and a poorly-adjusted helmet
- 10-18 years: in the extremely unlikely event your child still wants to ride a bicycle at this age, gently redirect them towards more age-appropriate behavior such as computer gaming and driving lessons
- 18 years and up: in some cases a latent desire to ride a bicycle can resurface during adulthood, in which case we recommend the purchase and occasional use of an Industry Standard Gravel Bike (ISGB)
See that? Simple! Or lose custody of your kid, whatever works for you:
Since your husband is living in a fantasy world where nothing bad happens to little kids, at least wake him up the real world where bad things can happen to families who are investigated by CPS. And keep your 6-year-old in your line of sight. He’ll have plenty of time to joy ride the neighborhood when his brain is more developed.
By the way, I’m disappointed nobody pointed out that “Xavier” the wayward six year-old may just have been exhibiting early signs of being captivated by the Spirit of Gravel, articulated succinctly and eloquently by a reader in Germany:
The spirit of gravel means to me
To fart in the woods in peace.
If a gravelista farts in the woods and there’s nobody around to smell it, does it still stink?
