And The Horst You Rode In On

While I do my best to spare you, my valued readers, from all the administrative tedium, there is in fact a great deal of work that goes on behind the scenes here at Tan Tenovo Industries, Ltd. For example, in addition to producing half-assed cycling-themed commentary on a daily basis, the team here at TTI Ltd. also manages a $3.6 billion portfolio on behalf of a select clientele. Minimum investment is $500,000 and you can apply here if you’re interested:

However, today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and with the markets closed we’re using the day to conduct other essential internal processes. Typically on a federal holiday we’d suspend publication and take what might appear to you to be a “day off,” but instead we’ve decided to offer you a rare glimpse into our corporate operations–though before proceeding you’ll need to review and sign a non-disclosure agreement, which you can do here:

With that out of the way, today we’re engaging in inventory control. As you know, a lot of bikes come and go here at TTI Ltd. Over the years these have included review bikes such as this one:

And this one:

[It’s been like 17 years but I kind of want that bike back.]

But eventually I grew disillusioned with cutting-edge bike tech (or, if you prefer the spin-free version, I became increasingly irrelevant over the years and nobody wanted to send me bikes anymore), so these days most of the in-an-out bike traffic around here is due to my capacity as the Classic Cycle Old Crap Test Pilot. These bikes have included the good:

The bad:

And the ugly:

See how we used the same image for “bad” and for “ugly?” It may seem lazy, but this is exactly the sort of efficiency that allows us to generate the high returns our clients have come to expect.

Of course, the Acquisitions Department here at TTI Ltd. does occasionally retain some of the bicycles Paul of Classic Cycle sends to me for testing. One such testcycle is the Cervino:

In submitting my request to the department I stressed the organization’s need for a prototypical, period-correct, classical road bike, though roughly two and a half years after first receipt it no longer fits that description:

When it comes to vintage bicycles we can preserve them in formaldehyde or we can allow them to evolve organically, and in this case, for now at least, we are doing the latter.

The occasional instance of corporate appropriation aside, in most cases we must return or otherwise re-home the testcycles in order to make way for whichever “new” old one Paul decides to reward and/or torture me with next. In fact, in an electronic mail correspondence last year he used the verb “inflict” instead of “send” and appended this image of the sort of thing that may be in store for me next:

Yikes.

All of this means the two (2) testcycles I’m currently test-cycling must finally cycle out of inventory–and to refresh your memory that’s this one:

And of course this one:

In the coming days (or more likely weeks) these two specimens will soon make their way down to the shipping department here at TTI Ltd., which is staffed by one (1) person, that being a certain Jörs Trüli:

[I asked the AI to generate an image for “Jörs Trüli, Tan Tenovo Industries, Ltd.’s One-Man Bicycle Shipping Department,” and as always the results are fascinating. In particular, the AI seems to have developed an inability to render left crank arms. Go figure.]

As you can imagine, between half-assed bloggery and parental responsibilities and, most importantly, the actual riding of bicycles, it can take awhile before Jörs gets around to actually packing these things up. It is, after all, much more fun to ride bicycles than it is to put them in boxes, and so he almost always prioritizes the former. However, if you’re in the market for a classic mountain bike this delay could work to your advantage, because the AMP Research B3 is officially for sale from Classic Cycle, and this is your chance to head it off at the pass:

[The AI’s take on “the AMP Research B3 is officially for sale from Classic Cycle” is a real dud.]

Price?

One Thousand and Five Hundred American Fun Tickets. (US$1,500.00)

A mere bag of shells.

This is your chance to own a piece of mountain bike history, and to own a bicycle that looks like it could have been a prop in a Terry Gilliam movie:

See?

And yes, it’s disc-compatible:

Sure, you’ll have to find an AMP Research disc brake, but that’s your problem:

It’s also completely unnecessary, because the brakes that are already on there are excellent.

This is the bike you dreamed of owning in 1994 and can finally afford:*

*[Tan Tenovo Industries, Ltd. assumes no responsibility or liability for your financial position and makes no warranty that you can afford shit.]

Is it as capable as a modern full suspension mountain bike, or a Jones for that matter? Not it is not. Is it a light and agile rolling museum piece that happens to be a lot of fun to ride? Emphatically yes. Also I’m pretty sure by 2026 standards it’s a gravel bike, and it’s about six times cheaper than a Trek CheckOUT: