“Won’t Somebody Think Of The New Riders?”

Does it ever bother you that the kind of pedals which require cleats are called “clipless?” Me neither. But apparently it’s the latest term that needs to be dispensed with in order to make cycling more beginner-friendly:

Dear Article Writer,

The answer is NO.

No, no, no, no no. Stop your damned coddling. We cannot, we will not, and we should not. Why? Because your argument has more slop in it than a Speedplay pedal:

Want to confuse a new rider? Try explaining to them why they need to clip into a ‘clipless’ pedal. It’s high time that we finally retire the term “clipless.” While I am well aware of the origins of the term and respect that it is deeply ingrained in the cycling industry, it is outdated, oxymoronic, and continues to confuse. The irony is that we’re using the term “clipless” to describe a product with a binding mechanism that quite literally clips onto a cleat. By definition, it is, in fact, the opposite of clipless.

Oh really, the term “clipless” is too confusing to new riders? It takes about 30 seconds to explain it. If people are capable of understanding why a bowling ball is called what it is despite the fact that there are no bowls involved in its use then they can wrap their mind around the term “clipless pedal.”

Want to really confuse a new rider? Tell them they need to use a pedal that attaches to their shoe! Forget the terminology–a new rider shouldn’t even be thinking about them at all. In fact, a person could easily ride their entire lives without ever using them and miss out on absolutely nothing. And should a rider decide they do in fact want to use clipless pedals, by the time they’ve reached that conclusion they’ve no doubt spent the half a minute it takes to grasp the term.

By the way, he doesn’t even come up with any good alternatives:

Which is why I’m happy to see that, in recent years, some brands have made a conscious effort to move away from the term “clipless”. Several pedal and shoe brands now specifically refer to these products as “clip” or “clip-in”. In my opinion, both terms are a far more appropriate description of the connection between the cleat and binding mechanism, which is, in fact, the opposite of “clipless.”

“Clip?” That’s it? How about clamptampulators? How about modular foot-to-pedal retention systems (MFTPRS)? And tell me this, smart guy: if we change the name to “clip” or “clip-in” then what the hell do we call this kind of pedal, which still exist and which people still use?

Sure, they’re stupid and mostly just used by fixters and Eroica cosplayers, but that doesn’t change the fact that there’s still such a thing as toe clips, and that they need a name.

Also, you don’t want to open the Pandora’s can of worms that is bicycle nomenclature. None of it makes sense if you don’t know anything to begin with. Setting aside wheel and tire sizes for the moment (go ahead, explain to your poor addled new rider what the difference between 700c and 29″ is…or isn’t), what about, oh…I don’t know, threadless headsets, which often still use threads?

Sure, I know what you’re thinking:

“Yeah, fine, but you know perfectly well what threads the term is referring to, stop being disingenuous.”

Of course I do. But what about the poor confused newbie? WHAT ABOUT THEM!?!

Or what about tubeless tires? You and I may get it, but what about the precious new cyclists we’re supposed to be worried about? Shouldn’t we rename those too?

Think about it from their perspective and you realize that tire terminology isn’t any more straightforward than pedal nomenclature:

“So why is it tubeless? Isn’t the tire basically a tube? Oh, I see, it doesn’t have those things called ‘inner tubes’…except it might have them anyway, even though it’s tubeless? Is that what you’re saying? But wait, I heard about this thing called a clincher. That’s different from tubeless. Wait, it’s not? But it is? Also, I think my dad used to have a racing bike with inner tubes, he used to stink up the house gluing them on, and one time the cat got stuck to the sofa for three days. What’s that you say? That’s not tubes? That’s tubular? Which has a tube? Only you can’t get at it without a seam-ripper? Wow, this activity is not very beginner-friendly. I think I’ll lease a Hyundai instead and take up pickleball.”

And don’t even bring up “hookless” unless you want their brains to explode like a tire off a hookless rim.

While we’re at it, let’s get rid of the term “cassette:”

The idea behind the word “cassette” is to differentiate it from a freewheel (which is about as common as a toeclip these days), yet what we call a cassette fits exactly zero definitions of the word “cassette:”

I mean I guess in theory it’s “easily loaded,” but get the cogs and spacers mixed up and tell me how easy it is then. (Wait, are they cogs? Or are they sprockets?) When that happens it ceases to be a cassette and becomes a puzzle. Also, I doubt the poor NEW CYCLIST we’re supposed to be worried about will find it easy no matter what it’s called. By the way, it makes even less sense if you click on that first definition:

Sure, SRAM will sell you a $600 cassette, but the similarity between it and a box of jewels ends there. Really, the only term for this component that makes any real sense is “cluster,” though using it makes your bike sound like it needs to see a doctor, lest it end up in a fancy coffin.

OK, fine. You’ve successfully explained threadless headsets, and tubeless tires, and cassettes. Now tell your new cyclist, who after three hours has finally managed to install that cassette, to downshift.

“Wait, you mean shift into a gear that makes it easier to pedal? Or do you mean shift down the cassette into a smaller cog? (Or should that be sprocket?)”

Also, is an “easier” gear really easier? Shift your new SRAM Eagle AXS whatever with the $600 CASSETTE into the 30×51 on a flat stretch of road and I doubt you’d describe the result as “easy.”

For that matter, forget the parts of the bicycle. The names of the bikes themselves don’t even make sense. Why is this a “mountain” bike?

But this isn’t?

I mean he’s literally climbing a mountain.

But we all know that’s a road bike, which your new cyclist should not bother with because they’re too confusing. Instead explain to them that they need something more comfortable and versatile, so they should get a gravel bike, even though there’s no gravel nearby, because “gravel” doesn’t literally mean gravel, silly, it’s just a generic term for anything that’s not perfectly smooth pavement: