Well, the results are in, and men are indeed facing a testosterone crisis:
As if that weren’t obvious:
Just kidding!
Or am I…?
These testosterone patches have me so confused I don’t even know anymore.
But yes, testosterone levels are descending faster than that SAFA Brian guy, but fortunately you can do something about it. For example, don’t be fat:
It appears that obesity is a major cause of low testosterone. That is because body fat contains an enzyme that converts testosterone into the female sex hormone, oestrogen.
In fact, one American research paper found that every one-point increase in a man’s Body Mass Index (BMI) is associated with a 2% decrease in testosterone. Gynecomastia – the medical term for ‘man boobs’ – is one sign of this hormonal imbalance.
But also, don’t be skinny:
Endurance athletes beware: shifting excess body fat is good for your hormonal health, but turning yourself into a skeleton is not.
Testosterone is produced from cholesterol, and severe calorie restriction will impair its production.
Jeez, you really can’t win, can you?
The endurance athlete thing does sound about right though, because there’s a direct link between being really, really skinny and allowing yourself to be taken prisoner:
If only he’d been a little fatter he’d have had more testosterone, allowing him to take on the entire Russian border patrol singlehandedly like a character in a 1980s action movie.
But wait, there’s more! The article also says you shouldn’t drink:
Bad news for boozers: testosterone levels can drop within just 30 minutes of consuming alcohol.
Australian research found that heavy drinking disrupts the body’s hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis activity, and causes inflammation and oxidative stress, leading to a decline in testosterone.
Oh please. I stopped reading right after “Australian research,” which is about as confidence-inspiring as the phrase “British cuisine.” Anyway, read about this badass and tell me drinking lowers your testosterone:
Here’s what happened:
The 77-year-old, who was on the way home from a shopping trip, escaped with only minor injuries and mild hypothermia after the accident last week.
As reported by Entrevue, the unnamed pensioner was on his way home to Saint-Julien-des-Points in the Lozère department from La Grand-Combe in Gard with his shopping when the incident happened. The journey, which should be 14km along the N106, ended abruptly when he missed a turn and fell into the ravine in the Cervennes, north of Montpelier.
Forget falling into a ravine, forget being 77, and find me an American of any age who could manage a ride of that distance whilst carrying not only their groceries but “a few” bottles of wine:
Trapped at the bottom of the ravine, he tried to attract the attention of passers-by and drivers on the road above by shouting, but there was no rescue. The Frenchman’s supplies were the shopping he had with him, which included a few bottles of wine, which somehow were unbroken in the fall. These few provisions managed to sustain him for three days, with the wine rationed.
Next you’ll tell me he wasn’t even riding an e-bike. If so, I think I found out what’s happening to the world’s testosterone. This guy must be hoarding it.
But yes, apparently there are various ways to boost your testosterone–and yet oddly the list doesn’t include stalking and killing a large mammal, go figure. I mean, it is the new gravel after all.
Speaking of gravel, it’s officially reached the “Nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded” phase:
Say what you will about road racing and USA Cycling, but at least once you make it out of the 4s most people know how to ride their bikes:
We hit the first section of gravel at 35 mph, making it through shaken but unscathed (unless you count the screaming pain in our legs). I saw a few crashes throughout the race, but 99% of them were the riders’ fault. Most of the time, riders had simply come into a corner too hot.
And if the crashes don’t take you out then the lightning will:
I’ve been in many sporting scenarios where the game/race/match was stopped because of lightning. I don’t know exactly what Life Time’s policy is for a lightning-caused neutralisation, but I was shocked this wasn’t it. At times, the lightning must have been less than five miles away, and we were racing across the wide open fields of Arkansas.
And yet after describing how the race was poorly organized and that Life Time were irresponsible he concludes the story thusly:
I loved racing the Big Sugar Classic. At times, the course was sketchy and a bit scary, but it was super fun. I would go and race it again in a heartbeat, and I recommend it to anyone who loves hard gravel racing.
And that’s why Life Time isn’t going to fix your bike race for you.