Some may dismiss me as a curmudgeon, but I am much more than that. I am an iconoclast. In fact yesterday I broke with my two week-old Wooded Wednesdays tradition and rode entirely on the pavement instead:
And on the now-forbidden 25mm tire size no less!
Actually, according to the label the front tire is a 28mm, but there’s no way I’m buying it. And yes, this bike has medium-reach brakes which permit it to take more politically correct 32mm tires, and I fully realize I’m squandering its generous clearances:
But what can I say? That’s just the kind of decadent lifestyle I lead. It’s like eating Hot Pockets off of Tiffany china.
By the way, today’s post is brought to you by HOT POCKETS® Brand Sandwiches. Stick a Hot Pocket in your jersey pocket! It’s the ultimate ride fuel, as long as you don’t mind third-degree burns in the small of your back. (Cyclists call the resulting scar a “Hot Pocket Tramp Stamp.” It’s a sign you’re a real rider, like shaved legs and sun-damaged skin.)
Anyway, as usual, getting back on the firm, skinny tires of yesteryear made me feel like I was riding at like a million American Freedom Miles Per Hour, even though there was probably no measurable increase in my speed. Also, I was wearing these fancy new speed gloves Pearl Izumi sent to me:
To be completely honest, for temperatures right down to zero degrees Celsius (that’s the temperature socialist water freezes at), there’s probably not a better value in handsocks than these:
[I look forward to all the comments about all the other places you can buy wool gloves.]
They’re warm, they’re comfy, and they’ve got a little cushiness to them without being too bulky for shifter manipulation and that sort of thing.
However, I’ve enjoyed wearing the speed gloves when riding a speed bicycle, and they do have two nice features:
One of those is that they’re lighter and thinner than a pair of wool gloves while still being pretty warm, which is nice when you’re riding a speed bicycle in speed clothes because they’re much easier to stuff in your jersey if that becomes necessary. (Just be careful of those Hot Pockets!) The other feature is that you can use your smartphone without taking them off, which is handy if you’re a former semi-professional bike blogger who rides around in the middle of the day taking pictures of his own hands.
And that’s today’s high tech gear review.
Meanwhile, in ultra-endurance news, Sofiane Sehili has been released from the Gulag:
Turns out sneaking across the border of freaking Russia for chrissakes may not have been a good idea–though it does sound like he was treated quite well:
“Rather naively, I thought that if I told the [Russian] authorities it had all been unintentional, I’d [at least] have a chance of getting sent back to China quite quickly. But given the current situation in Russia being so tense, that didn’t work.”
Sehili said he had been well treated in the Russian prison and that he had had medical and legal attention throughout.
That’s probably because he finally ate something for a change, and it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that he’s the only person in the history of the world who’s ever gained weight in a Russian prison:
Anyway, the thing about ultra-endurance cycling is that it requires no skill whatsoever, and all you really have to do is: 1) Don’t die; 2) Don’t get arrested. This time, Sehili managed only half of that, and sadly his insolence cost him the World Record, which is still in the grip of some other person who undertakes pointless exploits in order to avoid working:
Following Sehili’s failed attempt, the EurAsian crossing World Record will remain in the possession of its current holder, Germany’s Jonas Deichmann and with a time of 64 days and two hours.
“How pointless?,” you ask. So pointless he’s known as “The German Forrest Gump:”
A triathlon around the world, really? Nothing like taking something nobody wants to see and prolonging it almost indefinitely. It’s like an elder porn marathon, or a brunch place that serves bottomless expired milk, or the Olympic Hide And Seek.
People like to say pro road cycling is a bad influence because it fosters a toxic culture of extreme weenie-ism or whatever, but how come nobody ever seems to criticize this ultra-endurance stuff except ME? It’s way worse than the Tour de France, and maybe even worse than watermelon-humping! Sure, they may straddle their bikes in mid-air for no reason, but at least they take care of their basic bodily needs instead of sharing tips on how to ride all night without sleeping:
Oh, wait, sorry, he has a “sleep strategy” now:
Right, so his sleep strategy is to sleep. That’s brilliant! This is very similar to my eating strategy, which is to eat, as well as my own strategy for cycling in the dark, which is to get home before the sun goes down if at all possible.
Even the Tour riders manage to do that.
Finally, as shared by “Bro Tato” yesterday, you can now convert your e-mountain bike to…a mountain bike:
Incredibly, it turns out that if you remove the motor from your bicycle you save a lot of weight:
With the motor, battery, and accessory hardware removed, KrankE is advertising an average weight reduction of 25% for a given eMTB model. Obviously these savings will depend on motor spec and battery size, but the Crestline pictured above went from 23.45kg / 51.8lb down to 17.9kg / 39.46lb with the adapter installed.
Wow, that’s amazing! I bet if a bicycle were light enough it wouldn’t even need a motor at all. Someone should totally invent a dedicated non-motorized mountain bike, I bet it would be awesome.
And imagine how much more weight they could save by ditching the suspension…
Never mind, the world’s not ready.