Old Man Uploads Self To Cloud

Do you ever wake up delighted by the sheer beauty of the world and brimming with gratitude for your place in it?

Me neither–at least not until after I’ve gone to the bathroom.

Nevertheless, it’s nothing short of inspirational to see elderly acting person Harrison Ford stalking the California coast in full Fred mode:

And here he is, riding what I assume from the massive girth of its downtube to be an e-bike:

To be absolutely clear, I begrudge no ~~octeganerian~~ ~~octaganarien~~ eighty year-old his mechanical tailwind. At his age and with his money he does not need to be out there riding a bike on the open road–and yet there he is anyway, presumably giving motorists who pass too closely the finger and yelling, “Fuck you, I’m Harrison Ford!” So I’m guessing he must really love to ride.

Even so, the sight of him on that thing does make him a strong contender for the 2025 Just Buy A Rivendell Already Award, especially because those earthy hues and leather-and-cotton accessories would go so well with his Indiana Jones costume:

In fact if Indiana Jones had given up adventure archeology after the first movie, moved to northern California, and spent most of his time riding bikes, he’d look pretty much exactly like Grant Petersen.

All of this is to say that I think we’re all on the same page here. So can we do it? Can we get Harrison Ford on a Rivendell? To make a determination, we must first judge his Rivendell-worthiness. And he does fly (and occasionally crash) vintage airplanes, which is a very good sign:

If he’s still not afraid of old-timey aircraft then what’s stopping him from riding lugged steel bikes with friction shifters?

Now, in addition to the Cannondale e-bike, Ford also rides a Colnago:

This may or may not be a good sign. On one hand, that bike is as un-Rivendellian as it gets. But on the other hand, it is a Colnago, and maybe the fact that he opted for a storied Italian brand means that subconsciously he’s pining for something more.

Even more encouragingly, he has at least attempted to ride a Specialized S-Works in normal clothes:

Though much like his crash landing on a golf course, it appears to have ended in frustration:

But wait–is that the battery for the rear derailleur by his right shoe?!?

The look says it all:

[“Oh for chrissakes.”]

Exasperation with battery-powered shifting?!? Okay, maybe he is ready for a Rivendell. And most importantly, he is step-through curious:

Though that photo appears to have been taken awhile ago, so perhaps the window has closed.

Speaking of batteries and shoes, on a certain level you always knew it was coming. That’s right, it’s an electric bike for your feet:

Here’s more from Nike:

Nike’s Project Amplify is the world’s first powered footwear system for running and walking, designed to help everyday athletes* go a little bit faster and farther — all with less effort.
Engineered to augment natural lower leg and ankle movement, the Project Amplify system breaks the perception of possibility by providing an unparalleled boost to anyone who wants to move, creating a new future for running, jogging and walking.
Still early in testing, Nike is blending art and science to reach performance readiness, working alongside robotics partner Dephy to bring the footwear system to a broad consumer launch in the coming years.

So they went from “Just Do It” to “We’ll Do It For You.”

At first I assumed this was for people with disabilities or injuries, which would of course be a welcome innovation. But no, it’s just to make walking and running easier for lazy people. See, it’s all about fun!

“Our job is to dream big while keeping athletes at the center,” says Michael Donaghu, VP of Create The Future, Emerging Sport and Innovation. “Project Amplify started with a single question: What if we could find a way to help athletes move faster and farther with less energy and a lot more fun? At its core, Project Amplify is about seamlessly adding a little more power to your stride. The fun comes from realizing you can do more than you thought you could — whatever ‘more’ means to you.”

Akin to how electric bikes have made it easier to ride farther and more frequently, revolutionizing urban commuting, Nike is developing Project Amplify to make slower running, jogging and walking easier and more fun, with a focus on athletes running between a 10- and 12-minute mile pace.

By the way, if you scroll up a bit, you’ll note Nike places an asterisk* next to the word “athlete” in those bullet points, and here’s what that denotes:

Wow, they’ve really lowered the bar. This confirms my deepest fear. At this point it won’t be long before having a physical body is merely a lifestyle choice, and most of us will simply have uploaded ourselves to some gazillion-terabyte data cloud for all eternity…if we can afford it.