Is any place safe from the scourge of e-bikes? Apparently not. In fact even shopping at Walmart can be risky these days:
Fortunately the victim didn’t need medical attention, and the rider was released to a parent:
Folsom residents are saying they are fed up with close calls involving e-bike riders after the most recent incident saw a rider knocking over a woman inside Walmart.
It happened Monday night inside the Walmart on Riley Street. According to Folsom police, it was unintentional and the woman who was hit did not want to press any charges or seek medical attention.
The 18-year-old rider was issued a formal trespassing warning and was released to a parent.
The story does not specify whose parent it was, so I assume it’s simply Walmart policy to release teen miscreants to the nearest one.
It takes a village…or at least a Walmart.
Of course the appropriate response to an e-bike incident is always to deflect and to “But cars!” the situation. After all, motorists do seem to have an uncanny knack for crashing into Dunkin’ Donuts:
In fact it’s almost as though cars are equipped with a safety feature that steers them right into the nearest one in the event of a loss of control.
But while a car can easily infiltrate the flimsy prefab structure that is your local Dunkin’ Donuts franchise, you’re completely safe from drivers within the impregnable fortress that is a Walmart.
Oh, wait…
Still, on the bright side, you don’t really have to worry about getting killed by a driver inside of a Walmart because chances are you won’t even survive the parking lot:
Meanwhile, here in New York, if you’ve got an e-bike you’d better flog that motor while you can, because the new speed limit will soon go into effect:
Yes, that’s right, e-bikes will now be limited to 15 American Freedom Miles Per Liberty Hour, just like in Europe where they can only go 25 Socialist Miles Per Welfare State Work Week:
Once implemented, the 15 mph speed limit for e-bikes, e-scooters, and pedal-assist commercial bicycles will match the same speed limit that currently applies to stand-up e-scooters. The new rule mirrors best practices for e-bike speeds in many other areas of the world, including the European Union, which has implemented speed restrictions for e-bikes of 25 kilometers-per-hour (approximately 15 mph) in bike lanes.
This is a dark day for vape bros who enjoy riding around on huge batteries with wheels attached to them, though presumably finance bros in MAAP jerseys will remain free to exceed 15mph on their pedal-powered Fred machines:
[Via here.]
Pro tip from an aging Fred: always keep your phone in your middle pocket so you don’t get the whole “hanging jowl” effect with your side pockets:
You want the heavy stuff in the middle and the light stuff on the sides. It’s just science.
At any rate, it’s been amusing to watch the advocates’ messaging evolve as motorized vehicles have taken over the bike network. At first it was, “They’re not the enemy, they’re only doing it ’cause they’re scared!”
If you were forced to use a moped—say, because your increasingly difficult job as a delivery driver required it—would you stick to the relatively safe bike lanes, or take your chances on the deadly, potholed-riddled streets with all of the massive metal boxes going much faster than you?
But now they admit it is a problem:
But the problem is people are confused, or Trump, or something:
And Mayor Adams has added to the confusion, launching a criminal crackdown on legal e-bikes that has ensnared all kinds of cyclists, as Streetsblog has documented. Experts have argued that the Trump-friendly administration has used the notion of e-bike “chaos” to justify a crackdown that allows the NYPD to target the mostly immigrant delivery work force.
But the main confusion right now comes from vehicles that look like bikes, are operated like mopeds, but can reach motorcycle speeds.
You know how when a kid throws a tantrum and screams, “I wish I’d never been born!” even though they don’t really mean it? That’s how I feel about the bicycle network. “I wish they’d never built it!,” I’m tempted to scream. I don’t really mean it, but it is remarkably infuriating how quickly all the bicycles have been replaced with utter crap–though maybe instead of whining about it I should just surrender and get a luxury e-gravel bike instead:
I’m pretty sure Pard Impervia was the Voivode of Wallachia after Vlad the Impaler:
[Pard Impervia, the Voivode of Wallachia]
By the way, the Impaler would be an apt name for an e-bike.
As for Pard, they have a whole line of electrified Y-Foils:
I guess you could say that Pard took the old beam bike concept and sort of re-Parded it by adding a motor:
Now that’s what I call re-Parded.
Though you can also go “country gentleman” if that’s your thing:
And there’s even a video brimming with old world crafstmanship porn:
Complete with Italian artisans mixing paint:
Look at him opening that crabon mold just like they used to do in the old days:
It’s like he’s baking a loaf of bread and not crafting a hideous battery-powered douche missile.
And wait, is that a wooden saddle?!?
I’m not an engineer, so I’d be interested in learning more about how you make a battery with this stuff:
Aw, screw it, I’m just getting one of these things for the Plimpton Bike:
Hopefully it arrives before the new speed limit does.