Further to yesterday’s post in which I addressed the surfeit of “game-changing” innovations in cycling, I’m proud to introduce a new recurring feature* called “Game Changer of the Day” (GCOTD) in which I analyze whatever’s supposed to be changing the game today and determine if it is in fact game-changing.
*[I know it sounds tedious, but don’t worry, there’s absolutely no chance I’ll stick to this.]
Today’s GCOTD candidate is the new “Dutch-style bicycle hub” that’s coming to the Bronx.
Just kidding! If it’s new and it’s an amenity it’s obviously coming to Brooklyn:
Not only will this new bicycle hub feature lots of parking for bikes of all sizes and all the necessary provisions for orgiastic battery swappage:
Housed in a 1,300-square-foot, ground-floor space, the facility will feature “a bright, welcoming environment furnished with modern amenities that make riding easier and far more convenient.” With around-the-clock access and 95 free secure parking spaces for bikes, including accommodations for large-format bicycles and battery-free e-bikes, the Hub is poised to become a vital link in Brooklyn’s micromobility ecosystem.
Charging facilities for those battery-free e-bikes will be placed just outside, while indoor battery swapping stations and secure charging options for e-scooters and e-bikes will be available 24/7. According to Oonee, “these facilities will also provide a safe charging alternative to residents in the area,” addressing growing concerns about unsafe e-bike battery charging in residential buildings.
But riders will even be able to schedule repairs:
In a city where time is currency, Oonee is keeping the commuter in mind. The Hub will include an on-demand, quick-repair station designed to handle jobs that take 20 minutes or less—think truing a wheel, fixing a spoke, or replacing brakes.
“As opposed to a more traditional bike shop, this service will be commuter oriented and will focus on repairs that can be completed in 20 minutes or under,” the company says. App-based appointment scheduling, payment, and work-order documentation will keep everything streamlined. For more complex jobs, riders will be directed to local community bike shops.
And in a nod to seamless commuting, the facility will include a live transit screen displaying subway arrival times.
This really does sound great, and unlike those “charging cabinets” they’re sticking in the middle of the sidewalk (not to mention those goddamn car chargers) I don’t see a single thing not to like about this. (Apart from the fact that Brooklyn really doesn’t deserve any more nice stuff.) But is it game-changing? And if so, how game-changing is it? In order to make a determination, we should probably establish some sort of official scale, perhaps with Checkers-to-Chess being the lowest level of game changing (I mean you can even use the same board), and Twister-to-Bear-Hunting being the highest (since Twister and bear-hunting have absolutely nothing in common, unless your bear hunt goes horribly awry and you wind up wrestling with a bear):
I told the AI to generate an image for “Playing a game of ‘Twister’ with a grizzly bear” and clearly I should have specified a human playing a game of Twister with a grizzly bear because instead it generated a highly disconcerting and game-changing two-legged ursuline ass-cub.
As for the bicycle hub, while as I say it does sound great, various apartment buildings and companies already have some pretty snazzy bike amenities, so in terms of game-changery I’d put it somewhere in the middle, like maybe Monopoly-to-Clue.
[Colonel Mustard in the library with a Mike FramePlumper frame pump]
Perhaps next Brooklyn will get a chain of gravel-themed bike parking stations where riders can store their artisanal bike luggage and mechanics who look like Ultraromance can curate vintage Shimergo drivetrains for them.
Meanwhile, the only thing more insulting than people in Brooklyn getting more stuff is people telling you to get a good night’s sleep:
Hey, did you know sleep is good for you?
A good night’s sleep is essential for faster cycling. This is down to the number of adaptations to your body that take place during the night.
Take human growth hormone (HGH), which is released in bucket-loads from the brain’s pituitary gland when you’re asleep. HGH repairs and rebuilds muscles, meaning lack of sleep equals lack of HGH production, which equals restricted muscle growth.
Yeah, no shit. We’d all like to sleep better. We spend our entire lives trying to beat the day into submission so we can get something resembling a decent night’s sleep. In a way I prefer all the fawning reviews of ludicrously expensive bikes and wheels, because at least you can put that stuff on a credit card and deal with it later. But now that’s not even enough and you also need an employee to drive a “sleep van” for you?
The British team, now called Ineos Grenadiers, tapped into a wealth of studies in this area, including research that showed one night’s restricted sleep resulted in a 4 per cent drop in time-trial performance. Or that prolonged sleep restriction significantly elevated inflammatory markers that raised the prospects of illness and a spell off the saddle.
It’s why an employee driving a ‘sleep van’ drove ahead of the riders, swapping the upcoming hotel’s mattresses and pillows for each rider’s own mattress and topper.
Maybe then I can finally set that FKT:
If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of the FKT, it’s a form of passive-aggressive competition in which an influencer identifies an inconvenient challenge, completes it, announces that they’ve done it faster than anybody else (at least as far as they know), and then hopes nobody else can be bothered. Despite having read the article I’m still not clear if this particular FKT refers to the cycling, or the climbing, or the running, or all of it together, or what. All I know is some Spaniard with a lot of time on his hands scurried all over the western United States and busted his foot in the process:
The conditions were far from ideal. A boulder crushed his foot. Storms obscured the technical ridges. Sleep deprivation set in as he climbed Mount Sill before sunrise. But in 56 hours, 11 minutes, and 4 seconds (pending verification) he completed Norman’s 13 in the fastest supported time yet recorded.
They should really change the name from “Fastest Known Time” to “Extreme Vacationing.”