As an aging cyclist and therefore a knee-jerk reactionary I’m always looking for an excuse to blame e-bikes for stuff, but here’s a rare case in which I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt:
Here’s what happened:
At least one goose has been killed and others left seriously injured after they were mown down by a man on an e-bike.
One animal sustained “catastrophic injuries” including a collapsed neck and another was left bleeding and feared dead following the hit and run. Witnesses were “horrified” after the driver reportedly rode “at speed” near a canal path in Leigh, Greater Manchester, on 18 July.
Okay, that’s clearly just an electric motorcycle. Pedal-assisted e-bikes are one thing, but these stupid contraptions, generally piloted by THC-addled people who play shitty music from Bluetooth speakers whilst riding them, have no place on these sorts of paths. That notwithstanding, it’s important to remember that we’ve been fed pro-goose propaganda for centuries:
As such, there’s a notion among the naive that geese are goofy birds that waddle and honk adorably and are lovable and benign. However, to paraphrase Mother Goose herself, this is a bunch of Baa, Baa Bullshit. I mean, any cyclist can tell you all about these ornery fuckers:
Believe me, Weird Al is lucky to be alive.
Don’t believe me? Travel with me to Canada–where, ironically, the humans are compulsively apologetic yet their eponymous geese are among the most antagonistic in the world:
Typical trusting Canadian. He thought a hissing goose was “adorable?” Are our neighbors to the north so pathologically polite that they do not even recognize the animal kingdom’s universal signal for “I’m about to rip your face off?”
Also, was the cyclist using gravel tires, and if so what pressure was he running?
Seriously though, geese are nasty and they very much want to kill you. Keep in mind that birds are descended from dinosaurs, so a goose is basically just a scaled-down T-rex. Plus, outrage over a dead goose is especially rich (that’s a goose fat pun, delicious!) coming from the British, who have a long and proud tradition of goose-eating:
Indeed, a two-second search via a popular search engine indicates the British consume 250,000 geese every Christmas. There’s a reason people say “Your goose is cooked,” not “Your goose is coddled and nurtured until it dies at a ripe old age due to natural causes.” Yet they’d have us believe that they think the death of one (1) goose is “horrific?”
RSPCA Inspector Rachel Whalley said: “This was an extremely distressing act. These poor birds would have had no way to escape the high speed of the scooter, and the injuries described are truly horrific. Whether it was lack of care or intentional, the driver of the scooter did not stop to check on the geese.
Holy crap, did I read that right? “No way to escape,” really? HOW ABOUT FLIGHT?!?
Also, he should have stopped and checked on the goose he just hit? What the hell is he supposed to do? Nurse it back to health? Fashion a splint for its comically long neck? If you hit a person, you stop. If you hit a goose, you get the flock outta there. Even if an injured goose would allow you to minister to it, which it absolutely wouldn’t, the other geese would simply tear you apart like a loaf of stale Wonder bread.
I mean they’re taking out our planes for chrissake!
To paraphrase Isaac Hayes, that Mother Goose is a bad mother [shutyourmouth]:
Speaking of planes and outrage, I’m characteristically late to this, but apparently people were all mad at Mathieu van der Poel for promoting private jets:
His response? As the song goes, it’s all about performance:
“I’ve seen some of the reactions, and I want to be open about my partnership with Flying Group as a sustainable partner. I understand the environmental concerns, and I respect everyone’s voice,” Van der Poel wrote Friday on Instagram.
“At the same time, for my sport and career, the way I travel matters. I work incredibly hard every day to perform at my highest level. That means making choices that protect my time, my health, and my peace of mind. Flying relaxed, with less stress and exposure, helps me stay focused and healthy.
Sorry, being upset about Van der Poel flying on private planes is even sillier than being upset about a goose. Professional athletes are the world’s most competitive people, and they get paid lots of money to win. It’s not his job to “set an example” when he’s traveling to bike races, it’s his job to get to the bike race as comfortably as he can so that he can win it:
“Take the train, set an example.” “Selling yourself just for the cash with no regard to future generations.” “Truly disappointing.”
Yes, of course it’s disappointing…if you’re delusional. Instead of expecting athletes to conform to your ideals, then you need to conform to your own ideals and not follow professional sports. Hey, I avoided following professional sports for my entire childhood and most of my adulthood because they conflicted with my simpering sensibilities and carefully cultivated self-image. And keep in mind that pro cycling is just another sport, like football (American or the kind the rest of the world watches), boxing, or cockfighting. The bicycle itself is incidental, and the sport has absolutely nothing to do with the performative kind of bicycling you to do to pretend you’re saving the planet:
Perhaps most importantly, being anti-private plane is the one of the easiest ideological stances you can make…until you’ve been on a private plane. How do I know this? Because I’ve been on a private plane, and if you told me I could continue to fly private just as long as I snapped the neck of a goose with my bare hands before every flight, let’s just say I’d probably have a pretty bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome by now.