So are those one-wheel Rosey the Robot things the new motorcycle? Increasingly, I’m inclined to say yes. Or at least maybe:
If so, I’m looking forward the “Easy Rider” remake:
I told the AI to make an image of “The movie ‘Easy Rider’ but with electric unicycles,” but clearly it doesn’t understand what a unicycle is, nor is it intelligent enough to come up with the tagline “Half as many wheels but twice as much fun”–and boy was “Easy Rider” fun!
Speaking of being born to be wild, this rider’s bicycle was equipped with a high-decibel pulsing electronic “horn” that sounded like some sort of laser blaster from a vintage science fiction movie:
He fired it at a pedestrian who had the temerity to be standing in his way as he ran a red light, both scaring the crap out of the pedestrian and cementing his own reputation as the most badass hybrid rider in all of New York City.
But has he mastered the Art of Dad?
I’ve always thought paying the state additional money to just to put an inscrutable message on your license plate is a little silly, though I admit I’m kind of tempted to get something like this:
And while I’ve never come across a real-life ASSMAN…
…I have been in close proximity to DUHLADY:
Not sure if the driver means that in the boastful “I’m the lady” sense or in the exasperated “Duh, lady…” sense.
Meanwhile, north of the city, proud Marinoni rider Some Guy From Upstate informs me that the “Blue Mountain Bandit” has been apprehended:
I didn’t even know there was a Blue Mountain Bandit, but apparently he was sabotaging the trails at (you guessed it) Blue Mountain, and I’m glad they got him. Blue Mountain Reservation is one of the better mountain biking destinations in the greater metropolitan area, though it’s been quite awhile since I’ve been there as I generally opt for places that are a little easier and a little closer. Anyway, here’s a shot of the Blue Mountain Bandit lazily covering his handiwork with some dead leaves like a dog half-heartedly burying its poop:
And here’s a still from some of the “B-roll” the local news affiliate must have taken from YouTube or something:
“Hyyyeeaaahh!!!,” the rider is screaming for some reason.
By the way, mountain bike dirtbags, you would do well to take a few cues from Westchester Mountain Biking Association’s Sam Lee, who showed up for the interview with a crisp, clean shirt and a nice haircut instead of cargo shorts, three days’ facial hair growth, and a beer-themed t-shirt like most of you mountain bike bros would:
See, I’d let this guy build a trail in my municipality, because he inspires trust and confidence.
Anyway, apparently riders had been finding tree limbs strewn across a downhill run, leading them to conclude that “this is not a natural pattern:”
At first they suspected aliens:
Though WMBA installed cameras and caught 44 year-old Jeffrey Jarvis in the act.
Jarvis’s next-door neighbor Maximo can’t believe it, but to be fair I suspect “Whoah” is his default response to pretty much everything:
Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know Jeffrey Jarvis has been charged with criminal nuisance and 2nd degree mellow-harshing.
Well done, Jeffrey.