In the world of fashion, tie width and hemlines have fluctuated over time:
Oh, wait, sorry, that’s global temperatures. Here you go:
Clearly there’s a correlation there. Has anybody looked to see what Greta’s wearing lately, apart from a scowl?
And when it comes to bikes, tire width is also subject to the whims of fashion. The riders of yesteryear used voluminous tires:
But by the 1980s they’d shriveled down to pinky width:
Of course this is probably due to the fact that by the 1980s all the roads were finally paved (though drug use could explain any shriveling they might have experienced in other areas), but let’s not ignore the obvious relationship between swimming costume and tire width:
Coincidence?
I think not.
That mankini even looks like an upside-down Delta brake.
Now we’re back to balloon tires again…or are we? Just when you thought it was safe to put on your old-timey swimming costume and go back in the water, here comes Bicycling with the equivocating you so desperately need:
This particular article is a response to a query from a rider named “Geoff,” who changed his tires the night before a Gran Fondo only to find himself plunged into a state of inner turmoil and questioning not only the latest thinking in bicycle tires but also the very meaning of human existence:
Poor Geoff. Training for a Fondo for a year only to change your tires at the last second is a sign that you are plagued by self-doubt, and no amount of physical preparation or equipment tinkering is going to help you with that. Instead you must look inward and determine what pressure you should be running on a spiritual level.
By the way, I asked the AI to make me an image for “Amateur cyclist meditating in order to determine what metaphorical tire pressure he should be running in his mind” and here’s what it came up with:
I bet Geoff feels like he’s looking into a mirror.
Alas, Bicycling is not concerned with matters of introspection. They follow The Science™, and as we all know that’s handed down from on high by The Great Trek Bicycle-Making Company:
And so the article concludes with a total non-answer:
Because in today’s fraught media landscape Bicycling is in no position to tell their readers the truth–and the truth, of course, is that they suck way too much for 3mm of tire width to make even the slightest bit of difference.
Meanwhile, speaking of changing fashions, apparently surfers are trading their boards for bikes because–you’re not gonna believe this–cycling is more laid back:
By way of example, the story cites this one guy who saw some riders hanging out in a parking lot or something:
Wait a minute.
Did I just read the phrase “gorgeous Jewess wife?”
Why yes, I did.
Anyway, the cycling convert explains further, though I didn’t understand a single word of it:
He does cite “user-generated videos with little substance,” so I skipped through what I assume must be one of his videos, which indeed contained very little substance:
The introduction suggested it was going to be titillating, but as far as I could tell it was just a couple bros riding around Europe:
I guess it’s to promote MAAP, who are proud to introduce their new Depressed Frenchman Collection:
I don’t know which he needs more: a hug, or a meal? I also don’t know which I find more unlikely: the idea that cycling is less uptight than surfing, or the idea that an ex-surfer who bums around Europe making cycling videos somehow convinced a Jewish woman to marry him. Regardless, the most pressing question is this: now that we’ve reeled him in from the ocean, can we throw him back?