They say clothes make the man, but the truth is that man makes the clothes–except in Soviet Union, where of course clothes make you:
But otherwise, yes, if you’re looking for clothes, you will need a man to make them for you–though when I say “man” I’m including women and children, since that’s who’s probably making them most of the time. But there is one man whose name has long been synonymous with clothing, and it is emphatically not fashion icon Ernesto Colnago, shown here preventing a bicycle without a kickstand from falling over into a swimming pool:
Nevertheless, now you can finally purchase the Colnago wardrobe of your dreams:
Okay, firstly, Tour de France winners don’t favor one bike over another; they ride what they’re given. Yes, decades ago, in the age of metal bikes, a rider who was successful and picky enough might have a framebuilder make him a bike to his specifications and put the sponsor’s name on it, but those days came to an end with the advent of carbon fiber. Secondly, while I could be wrong about this, prior to Pogačar, I think you’d have to go all the way back to like 1974 to find a Tour de France-winning Colnago:
[From Classic Cycle]
When you think of Tour de France-winning Italian bicycles you think of Pinarello:
When you think of Classics-winning Italian bicycles, that’s when you think of Colnago:
[*Comedically loud Homer Simpson whisper* “I think they might have been on drugs.”]
Okay, fine, whatever. That aside, Colnago is introducing a “capsule collection of urban clothing:”
It’s all “in navy and black,” presumably for maximum cat hair visibility, though possibly to make sure you also buy the new Colnago carbon fiber lint roller with ceramic bearings:
These mini-rollers are all well and good, but I miss the days of full-sized rollers and frames that came with lint roller pegs.
As for the “capsule collection,” the images in the article were encouraging, and featured the usual shots of models carrying their bicycles for some reason and looking off into the distance like someone they really don’t like is calling their name from across the street:
So I visited the website for the collection, which only exceeded my already high expectations. For example, how much would you pay for a trenchcoat that makes you look like either a Gestapo officer or the world’s most debonair flasher, depending on your facial hair?
Well, if it’s any less than $2,337, then sorry, no trench for you.
Or perhaps a polo is more your speed?
At $585 you can’t afford not to buy it.
You know, because you’re already broke from buying the trenchcoat
The field jacket at least is actually affordable at $99.99:
Oh wait, sorry, that’s a field jacket from a uniform supply.
The Colnago field jacket is $1,700:
Only slightly cheaper than this “varsity jacket,” because nothing says “Cycling” and “Italy” like a varsity jacket:
All of this is highly compelling, and obviously I bought two of each (you need an extra when one’s at the dry cleaner because of the cat hair), though I was deeply disappointed that they didn’t include a really expensive version of Ernesto’s signature sweater vest:
Regardless, I guess you can expect stuff like this when you sell your brand to an Abu Dhabi investment fund:
And have to appeal to a new demographic:
And please note I am not criticizing Ernesto for selling his brand to an investment firm. He absolutely deserves to cash in. I’d sell this blog to an investment firm in a heartbeat, and if they tried to sell you a $5,000 Tan Tenovo Urban Fishing Vest I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep:
By the way, I put “Sultry Model With A Bicycle Modeling The Bike Snob NYC Urban Fishing Vest” into the AI and here’s what I got:
I think I just figured out how they designed the Colnago capsule collection.
Speaking of senior citizens, I just happened to be watching a video of Woody Allen, and in it he shares his feelings about bikes:
“I never had a bike, I never wanted a bike, I always hated bikes…”
This is particularly fascinating since moments before he had mentioned how he used to roller skate to Ebbets Field, and when you consider that roller skates in those days were just metal wheels you strapped to your feet you’ve got to appreciate just how deep his commitment to hating bicycles must have been:
It’s like wiping your nose with sandpaper because you hate tissues.
Furthermore, it’s a commitment he’s maintained well into the 21st century.
By the way, of all my many accomplishments, perhaps none is greater than having been compared to both Lance Armstrong and Woody Allen by a Canadian newspaper:
And people wonder why nobody trusts the media anymore…