Portland:
It used to be that you heard about Portland all the time–certainly in the bike world, as it was famous for its high “bicycle mode share” (which just means a lot of people ride bikes to work) and burgeoning bike infrastructure and custom bike builders and irreverent cyclocross scene, but also in the popular culture, as it became synonymous with quirky people and artisanal handicrafts and farm-to-table restaurants and all the rest of it. All of this culminated in the show “Portlandia,” which deftly sent all of it up. Then people kind of moved on, either because the city descended into a progressive libtardian hellscape, or because the rest of the country simply got bored of it, depending on who you ask.
Now a cyclist can go months or even years without thinking about Portland, though I was reminded of it recently when all the bike websites and channels started cranking out MADE content, MADE having taken place in Portland:
It used to be that the big bike companies were pushing the gimmicks and the custom builders upheld tradition, but in recent years it seems like there’s been something of an inversion and the custom builders’ way-out bikes make the mainstream bikes look tame in comparison.
All of this is to say that after not thinking about Portland for a long time I recently found myself thinking about it again, so I headed over to BikePortland to get the latest news–and in scrolling the headlines I saw they mentioned the recent New Yorker article about Old Man Petersen:
I had completely forgotten that absolutely nobody in the world does aggrievement better than Portlanders, so I was positively astounded to read this in the comments section, which may be one of the greatest cycling-related Internet comments ever composed:
So basically, not only is Grant Petersen so all-powerful that he singlehandedly held back the adoption of technology like carbon forks and disc brakes for years like Superman grabbing a getaway car by the bumper, but there’s actually an insidious cabal of bike shops that refuse to work on such bikes–presumably because they too fear the Wrath of Grant. As a result, not only have cyclists been denied these advancements for far too long, but now that they finally have them they must live in fear of persecution at the hands of vengeful wool- and sandal-clad lugged steel cultists.
Indeed, rumor has it that those who dare disobey Petersen have their body parts squeezed by long-reach brake calipers until they can no longer bear the pain. Which body parts? Well, check out that generous clearance and use your imagination:
Either this commenter is an expert troll or he has a low-normal brain, because all of this is the exact opposite of reality, and between this and the aforementioned custom bike inversion Portland is clearly the Bizarro World.
I was also delighted to find that I myself earned a mention in this searing indictment:
As someone who hasn’t been relevant for at least 10 years now (and that’s being charitable) it is extremely heartening to see my name appear in both The New Yorker and the Bike Portland comments within the span of a fortnight.
Speaking of bike shops, things aren’t looking so good for The Pro’s Closet:
There’s even a feature about it on Escape Collective…which I admit I haven’t read:
Though presumably it mentions how they’ve received roughly a gazillion dollars in venture capital funding over the past few years:
And that for awhile they were so flush they even bought the Desert Hipster website as a toy, which yielded an “exclusive gravel collaboration:”
They really missed out by not calling it a Gravellaboration. I guess $40 million doesn’t buy you the ability to spot a perfect opportunity to mint an amusing new portmanteau.
Anyway, since apparently The Pro’s Closet is having a big, big sale, I looked up some of my favorite brands to see if I’d get lucky. Sadly they don’t seem to have any Rivendae:
Or any Y-Faunae:
And a search for LeMond just turned up a bunch of Treks:
Is that a good price for a Trek Emonda? I don’t even know:
As a semi-professional bike blogger and Old Crap Test Pilot who has unfettered access to Classic Cycle’s own closet, I don’t have to worry about what stuff costs:
Though thanks to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named I do have to apply a long-reach brake caliper to an unmentionable part of my anatomy every time I post a photo of a bike with a carbon fork.
Oh, and yes, I did try using the chat feature, but I got a little tongue-tied:
Alas, there are no bike shops in my immediate vicinity (“steel is real” cultists or otherwise), but at least we do have an AutoZone with a CitiBike rack:
This makes good sense–maybe even more than a parking lot (which it also has) since certainly almost every time I’ve been to AutoZone I’ve gotten there by bike because something was wrong with my car. And of course if there’s something wrong with your car and you do manage to limp in there’s even an on-site mechanic:
There are plenty of insidious aspects of the so-called “car culture,” but you’ve got to give it credit for industriousness.