I always do my best to end the week on a positive note (that’s a total lie, at no point have I ever made a concerted effort to strike a positive note at any point in the week), so I hope you’ll join me in celebrating the safe return of missing gravel biker Ralph Sawyer, who I had no idea was even missing until I saw this article:
Apparently he’d been missing since July 11th, which is a long time, even for a gravel ride:
Oregon’s Clackamas County Sheriff’s Office announced today (July 17) that gravel biker Ralph Sawyer, who has been the subject of an intensive search in the Mount Hood National Forest since July 11, is safe and at home.
“It was reported to the Sheriff’s Office that he found his car on East Still Creek Road and drove it back to his home in Gresham,” the CCSO said in a news release. “Mr. Sawyer showed up to a neighbor’s house tired, cold, dirty, and worn out. Gresham Police confirmed it was him and he was transported to a local hospital to be checked out.”
If you’re an amateur cycling sleuth then no doubt you immediately thought you had it figured out: clearly he must have headed out for a gravel ride on a bike not specifically designed for gravel, right? However, a quick scan of the sheriff’s office updates disproves that theory:
In fact they confirm that his bike was “specifically designed for gravel roads:”
The search and rescue mission to locate missing mountain biker Ralph Sawyer in the Mount Hood National Forest is continuing today, Monday, July 14, 2025. Mr. Sawyer was reported missing late Friday night after not returning from a planned mountain biking trip using a bike specifically designed for gravel roads.
Though they do call it a “planned mountain biking trip,” which does imply he could have been “underbiking.” Given this, it would also be helpful to know the following:
- Did the bike have suspension?
- Did the bike have a dropper post?
- What pressure was he running?
- Did the bike have one of those built-in downtube compartments, and if so was he able to crawl into it and seek shelter at night?
- Was he adequately hydrated thanks to cutting-edge French lactation technology?
Whatever the case, it’s abundantly clear he was not driving a proper gravel vehicle:
His blue Kia Soul with his cell phone inside was located by search teams in a parking lot after midnight on July 12, but no other clues had been discovered in the six days Sawyer was missing. The search involved multiple agencies, volunteers, pararescuers from the Portland Air National Guard and a Hood River Sheriff’s Office search plane. The search area spanned some 250 miles.
I’m sorry, what?!?
Sure, they may show it on gravel, but under no circumstances should you ever attempt to drive to a gravel ride in a vehicle like this. Anyone who reads the Desert Hipster Website knows the only acceptable vehicle for graveling is a vintage Toyota product such as a Land Cruiser, a Lexus built on the Prado platform, or perhaps a Tacoma. These capable vehicles are able to handle the type of terrain that would be just as easily traversed in a Subaru Crosstrek, with the added advantage of burning much more gasoline.
Even more striking is this:
His blue Kia Soul with his cell phone inside was located by search teams in a parking lot after midnight on July 12
This guy is married? To a woman? And he didn’t have his phone on him while he was riding?!?
I don’t mean to be heteronormative whilst talking about Oregonians, but that is not how a well-trained male cyclist behaves.
In any case, the search apparently spanned 250 miles, so we can at least be sure he wasn’t riding the new $14,000 Pinarello DOGMA GR since you can’t even go 200 miles on it:
It’s also possible he attempted to Jesus-carry his bike, but because he didn’t have the new Grizl he instead got trapped beneath it:
Or he may have simply gotten a flat and it took him seven days to get the goddamn tubeless tire seated.
But the biggest question of all is what happens with the GoFundMe money:
A GoFundMe page has raised nearly $16,000 for Sawyer’s search. It is unclear what will become of these funds. The page creator posted July 17: “***THE BEST OUTCOME*** After 6 days and nights, Ralph made it back to his car, drove himself home, and arrived at a neighbor’s house tired, cold, dirty, and worn out. He’s at a local hospital being checked out. The will to live is strong in this one. The support this community showed Marci and her family during this time is truly amazing. From search and rescue, emotional support, prayers, and financially through this GoFundMe. Thank you all so much! Time to exhale with relief and celebrate LIFE.”
Well, the new Pinarello DOGMA GR that can’t go 200 miles is only $14,000. So if he buys one of those it should keep him out of trouble in the future. Either that, or he should just buy a used Subaru Crosstrek.
Just don’t leave your phone in it.