Imagine you’re living in an alternate dimension, one in which bicycles make sense. It’s 2026, and a mainstream company is introducing a new mountain bike. Here it is:
Sadly we don’t live in that dimension, we live in this one. Here, bicycles don’t make any sense. So Marin made only like 400 of these, and they’re already all gone.
But the good news is that the fact it sold out so quickly will send a powerful message to the bicycle industry that people actually want simple, versatile, easy-to-maintain bicycles, so expect to see a sensible bike renaissance and more offerings like this one from a wide variety of mainstream companies in the coming year.
Yeah, no, sorry. I’d say things will only get worse before they get better, but that would suggest that one day things might actually get better, which is extremely unlikely. In fact I’d be surprised if bikes don’t move to wireless braking by 2030:
That video was simultaneously really cool and abjectly horrifying. If one guy can do all that in his garage it’s safe to assume all the big companies have had their own versions ready to go for awhile now and are just working on how to convince you and the CSPC and whoever else that they’re safe. This means that someday soon you’ll go to ride your bike only to find red LEDs blinking on each lever and the brakes locked because the system has gone into “safety mode.” You’ll run a diagnostic on your phone which will give you a code you don’t understand, and after making an appointment via the app you’ll drive it 45 minutes to the nearest service center, where you’ll leave the bike for a week only to learn that your use of aftermarket Kool Stop brake pads has caused a sensor to fail. Fortunately your bike is only six months old and still under warranty, but unfortunately your use of aftermarket Kool Stop brake pads has voided this warranty. Replacing the sensor will take the tech roughly four and a half minutes and the bill will be $236 plus tax. But you’ll still post comments online about how much better wireless braking is because of the infinitely tunable lever feel.
As for me, I’ll keep my mechanical brakes, because single-pivot calipers make me feel alive, goddammit!
That’s because you appreciate not crashing into stuff way more when you have to work for it by applying a meaningful amount of force to the levers–and no, you don’t have to squeeze the hell out of them, it’s more like giving someone a hardy handshake. Meanwhile, using these newfangled hydrolic dick breaks is more like shaking hands with a Gen Z-er or whatever we’re up to now, all dainty and wishy-washy. How do you even trust a brake like that? It’s the sign of a weak moral character.
Of course I did manage to crash the Cervino anyway, but it had nothing to do with the brakes:
And the subsequent repairs hastened its evolution from full period-correctness to the chronological mongrel it is now:
Then this past weekend I took the extra step of pulling the decals off:
I know this will disappoint any Nishiki fans out there, and in fact one of the things that attracted me to the bike in the first place was that people would dismiss it as an old crappy ten speed and not realize it was in fact a fine Italian racing bicycle, sort of like some bad ’80s movie where you’re not supposed to realize the librarian’s actually a hot chick because she’s wearing glasses.
However, after awhile I simply felt the decals weren’t really adding anything to the bike, which I’d go so far as to say is otherwise quite classy and understated, non-period-correct components notwithstanding. Also, while Nishiki does have an interesting history…
…since 2010 it’s just been the house bike brand of Dick’s Sporting Goods, and while I myself shop there from time to time (though never for bike stuff), this is kind of depressing. Plus, it’s not like the Nishiki Cervino is an icon of cycling. I mean I wouldn’t pull the Huffy decals of a 7-Eleven Serotta:
[Via Classic Cycle]
But in this case I felt like it was time the librarian took off her glasses and let her hair down, that’s all.
I only wish that after peeling the Nishiki decals off the Cervino I had thought to put them on the Farbman for maximum irony points:
I also wonder if the new David Duchovny movie is about low-normal derailleurs:
I may have to go to that Q&A just to ask him what kind of bike this is:
Looks pretty nice. Maybe he peeled off the decals.