Yesterday I needed to make a trip to a large home improvement store, and the most convenient one is at the mall behind which the forbidding Trails Behind The Mall are behind. This was of course just the excuse I needed to strap a bike to the roof of THE CAR THAT I OWN and squeeze in a ride. So I strapped, and I drove, and when I arrived at the large home improvement store it was in the grip of WORLD CUP MANIA:
I feel bad for the employee who has to inflate Messi every morning:
Speaking of which, for a minute I felt bad for visiting a corporate chain instead of a local hardware store. But then I remembered that I used to work in a local hardware store as a teenager and I still have anxiety dreams about it. It’s not like I wish ill upon local hardware stores–after all, one did employ me, which meant I always had enough money for grindcore records and cigarettes. Still, depending on what I need, I don’t think I should necessarily feel forced to relive past traumas by shopping in one.
I also strenuously deny any rumors that I have received any form of compensation from the corporate chain for mentioning them, or for disparaging rival chain Home Depot.
Anyway, I got what I needed (15 giant inflatable Messi dolls, plus an $11,000 TOTO Neorest Cotton White Touchless Flush Elongated Chair Height Soft Close 1-piece Bidet), then I headed back to the car, which was easy to find in the parking lot thanks to the bike it was wearing:
Meanwhile, I wouldn’t even feel safe parking a car with a bicycle on it in the Home Depot parking lot at all, because it’s a crime-ridden hellhole.
A few minutes later and I was at the forbidding Trails Behind The Mall, where I immediately took to the trails…uh, behind the mall:
The Jones is, as I say, a better all-around off-road bike than the GT. But that doesn’t mean the GT isn’t fun:
It is fun. Very fun. The difference between the two bike is that when I’m on the Jones I want to wander; like, I’ll start off at the Forbidding Trails Behind The Mall, but I’ll want to keep riding instead of going in circles, so I’ll head to another park, and still another one, and before I know it I’ve ridden my own personal Tour Divide.
The GT however is perfect for a little mid-day joyride, and while overall I prefer the Jones approach, it really does like to scamper up those climbs, and up and onto stuff like this:
See?
But that’s nothing, and what’s far more impressive is when I TOTALLY SEND IT going the other way:
Just kidding!
You can even hear my trepidatious braking as I approach–and for all the dick break apologists out there, I’d like to point out that yes, you can get also get rim brakes to squeal, which is yet another reason you don’t need discs.
Anyway, I totally would have “sent it” like a smug family mailing holiday cards, but instead I rode slowly off of it on purpose so you could see the workings of the iDrive.
Oy. That’s a Yakov Smirnoff reference, an “Airplane” reference, and a 1980s “Saturday Night Live” reference in the space of just two days. Just put a bullet in me at this point and bury me in some Gen-X cemetery somewhere.