VanMoof bicycles have always made news.
In 2011, then-general manager Jasmijn Rijcken alleged that an NYPD officer stopped her on the Brooklyn Bridge for cycling in a skirt:
At the time a lot of people thought this was a publicity stunt–me included–though in retrospect I kind of feel bad about that since maybe the NYPD officer was hitting on her and one should never underestimate how sleazy men can be. Nevertheless, I still blame VanMoof, who had very much been using sex to sell bicycles, and who prior to that had sent me this email, which still gives me the douche chills:
Here’s the video, by the way:
So I don’t know what to believe, except that Willemeike and that NYPD officer should probably hit it off.
Then in 2016 VanMoof debuted their “Smart Bike.” They were certainly among the first companies to incorporate all sorts of electronic technology into their bikes, and I was certainly among the first to point out that this was stupid:
Next, in 2021, VanMoof announced the “Hyperbike:”
Unsurprisingly, ‘roided-out e-bikes did absolutely nothing to replace cars, but they’re doing a fantastic job of destroying the bike lane network–even in Amsterdam, apparently:
All of this is to say that I’m not exactly broken up over VanMoof’s recent bankruptcy, and while I hate to say I told you so…well, if you bought one of these things and now regret it, sorry, but I told you so:
I mean look, it sucks to spend lots of money on a fancy e-bike and then have to travel 90 miles to see a “Bike Doctor:”
But there’s a way to avoid that, and it’s NOT BUYING A BICYCLE THAT RUNS ON FUCKING BATTERIES.
It’s a car replacement until anything goes wrong with it, then it’s a road trip.
Hey, I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: The bicycle is the most efficient form of transport ever devised by humankind, and it makes about as much sense to complicate it with batteries and electronics as it does to make a “smart broom:”
And yes, of course you can buy a smart broom:
It’s 2024 and you now need an battery-powered broom and an instructional video to just sweep a few bits of paper up off the floor:
Now that’s progress.
As for me, all my bike are dumb, not smart, and that’s the way I like it:
This weekend I headed out for a 30-mile ride into the “country” (suburbs), and then straight back into town to run an errand, and I could not have asked for anything more out of this bike, least of all a battery that requires a Bike Doctor and an integrated weather alert:
Sure, I’m getting older, and maybe one day I will need that e-assist, but for now if I want to make life easier for myself I’ll just ride a step-thru:
I don’t typically read the comments on YouTube videos I’m in, but I couldn’t help but notice this one:
I have no idea if he’s serious or not, but there are people who think this way, which is ironic because have you looked at a mountain bike recently?
Not only is the top tube just as low as any mixte, but it also has cushy shock absorbers all over it so you feel as little as possible no matter what you’re riding, and even a seat that goes up and down so you don’t hurt your widdwe pee-pee.
But, you know, somehow this is a MAN’S BIKE, because it’s for SHREDDING and SENDING IT or something, even though both of those verbs sound like they should apply to things you’d buy at Staples.